Ten Reasons To Be Mod In 2008

I know you've been thinking about it for a long time; we all have. But I'm hoping maybe this year's the year. Let's all buy parkas and Chelsea boots and exclusively hang out with girls with pixie cuts--like we used to in high school. Not convinced? Well, for your perusal I have compiled this list of why you and I should finally take the plunge and be mods in 2008.

10) It's the only counterculture where no one will mind that we don't give a shit about anything besides hair gel and name brand clothes. It's pretty disingenuous to embrace some kind of bohemian counterculture and then spend $75 on a haircut and $150 on jeans. When you're a mod, you won't have to feel a tinge of guilt for your zealous consumerism.

9) Vespas get 70 miles to the gallon. That makes for economical transportation no matter how long this Iraq thing takes. Keep your gas money and spend it on hairspray.

8) It's the only thing you can do that will truly piss off your hippie parents. Keep your hair above your ears and wear a tie everyday. It will eat them up inside.

7) You can't get AIDS from popping pills. Just ask Stiv Bators' ghost.

6) 1960's American R&B is still the greatest music ever recorded. The best thing you can say about any of the records that have been recorded since is that they remind you of how good Stax and Motown were.

5) Every woman looks beautiful with short hair. Admittedly counter-intuitive, but undeniably true.

4) We'll be all ready for ska's fourth wave. It will arrive any day now.

3) Even Brooks Brothers sells peg leg suits these days. Unfortunately they cost like $1900.00. Fortunately 501's and tennis sweaters work just as well.

2) Rock and Roll sucks and people who listen to it deserve to get beaten up. Go back to Liverpool, assholes.

1) If you are mod, nice girls will look at you expectantly as they eat ice cream. Just look at that--it looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life.

The Return Of Love Rock?

After about eight years of that whole black-on-black, angry, politico-rock horse shit, it's starting to look like we might be able to wear whatever we want and start listening to good music again. I have no idea what caused it, but what I call "the dark age" of rock-as-monolith, bands with dress codes, vegetarianism as a musical movement, and, of course, dire cynicism about love and sex, seems to be, well, no longer hip. How do I know this? What could possibly make me so brash as to hope for this? Witness the title of the forthcoming album by Xiu Xiu, Women As Lovers. Would that have ever flown in 2000? No, ma'am. And just look at the cover art; it's more love rock than anything I've seen since Heather Lewis sang on The Wedding Present's Watusi album. Sell your Stones records, pull out your Cat's Miaow CDs, and keep your fingers crossed.

It Is OK/It's Not OK: Ballet Toes And Women's Clothes

I usually really don't like the "I can do this, but you can't" attitude that people generally tend to have, but this morning, as I stood in a long-ass line at Sultan's Market in Wicker Park, the things I observed solidified something that I have always kind of sensed: that, like Raskolnikov, the rules that govern the lives of my peers just don't apply to me. To wit:

(1) It is OK for me as a poor law student in 2005 to search high and low for patent leather Coach ballet slippers and spend a shit load of money to buy them for my girlfriend in some Gift Of The Magi-like display of how hot I think she is. It's not OK for every female Wicker Park hipster clone to wear the same cheap-ass red cotton ballet slippers with their uniform of coin-slot-showing low-rise stretch jeans with the inseams that are exactly one inch too long and their haircuts that actually were done by the only blind, epileptic painting student they go to Columbia with.

(2) It is OK for me as a poor high school student in 1995 to buy women's clothes at The Salvation Army because they fit me better than the men's clothes. It's not OK for 28 year-old male Wicker Park hipsters to wear undersized maroon 3/4-length leather jackets clearly tailored for a female figure while they and their beard wait in line at Sultan's Market with their teenaged art student girlfriends.

The Dopest Celebratory Adjective Ever

I think that instead of using the words "sick" or "tight" to mean "cool," we should go back to using the word "fly" to mean "cool," like everybody did in 1990.

What's The Opposite Of Metrosexuality?

I predict that in the future women will have to dress as if they were butch lesbians to be considered cool, and heterosexual men will only be sexually attracted to women they think are gay.

Hotter Than Lindsay Lohan?

Like that's even possible. I went to see Superbad this morning, which I highly recommend. It just goes to show that American Graffiti is such a great movie that it can stand yet another retelling. The super fucking hot, super likable female lead, Emma Stone, seemed so familiar to me. Then it dawned on me: she played the foul-mouthed wild-child daughter Shannon on that one episode of "Lucky Louie." She looks kind of like LL, only she's got doe eyes and a slight lisp. Plus, isn't it great that post-2005 the women in pop culture are allowed to be likable again?

Guys: Like Black Chicks?

Mainstream media all over the place is reporting that African American women are increasingly choosing to "date out," or, in other words, to date white dudes. The real question is how long we have to wait for all of those small penis jokes to peter out.

Ladies: Wanna Learn Something About "Relationships" This Summer?

Is there absolutely nothing that can't be reduced to a wooden nickel of women's empowerment? In the middle-aged version of the college girl who claims that Lolita is her favorite book, Time Magazine's house book critic Jane Smiley has recommended The Marquis de Sade's Justine to women as a beach blanket book for this summer. Did you know that reading this "page-turner" is "the first step" to redressing all the contemporary ways in which women and girls are exploited?

Guess What: Cult Movies Don't Make A Lot Of Money

When I heard a rave review of Grindhouse on NPR, I almost shat myself; I'm so fucking happy it flopped.

McDonald's Stock Makes Gains As McDonald's Declared Officially Healthy Again

Today Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald's Corporation reported an 8.2% raise in same-store sales and McDonald's stock has been gaining steadily ever since everybody stopped talking about that stupid movie. Although I prefer White Castle to McDonald's, I think we can all learn a couple great lessons from this: (1) when people engage in a sudden, large-scale, mutual moral judgment about something, it will wear off really soon, and (2) if you buy something while everybody thinks its immoral to do so, you can sell it right back to them at a profit after they forget.

A Modest Proposal: Cut Your Goddamned Hair.

I honestly can't remember the last time I saw a woman who doesn't look like Ben Weasel dressed up like he's in the Pretenders. It's been like six years since this black-on-black Cher wig thing started, can't we try something else for a while? I'm not kidding; It's greasy, it smells like smoke, and it's a constant reminder that you and I are irreconcilably different biologically.

OK, maybe we can compromise; can you at least cut it so I can see your eyes, and maybe wear a nice gingham shirt with a collar? Seriously, take a good look at the pictures and tell me which one makes you want to take monk's vows and give up forever.