Normally I Stand Up For Texas, But...

By the way, I just thought I should let all of you cultural studies majors and all of you religious people know that if you live in Texas and you want to abuse your daughter you can pin her on the floor and hurt her for a few hours and if you're a Christian or something you can tell the cops it was an exorcism and the state supreme court will let you go scott free. Oh, and, as a lawyer, I can tell you that the court's claim that this case is really "a dispute over religious conduct that would unconstitutionally entangle the court in church doctrine" is h*******t.

I Don't Buy It

I recently decided I'm not going to buy things anymore. Part of it is because months ago I noticed myself deliberately trying to ease my frustration with the working world or whatever else was stressing me out at the moment by means of purchasing goods (specifically DVDs at Borders) and part of it is because a light went on in my head the other day when I followed a link from FARK.com to a cnn article about dumpster diving for food. I mean, of course I'm going to keep spending money on some things, but not a lot of things. I wrote out a list of stuff I can get or do for free, and it is pretty surprising how it covers most of my needs and wants. And, of course, instead of spending all of my disposable income on things I don't need or want like people tend to do, I can always invest it. Everybody knows the best things in life are free--why do we spend so much money on stupid shit?

Still apprehensive? Check out the youtube files for this hilarious episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, a comedic BBC pop music quiz show, and tell me you've had more fun with something you once paid money for:

Even Thom Yorke Paid Nothing For In Rainbows

I'm not even kidding.

IL School Now Disciplining Students For Hugging

Dedicated readers may recall our coverage of the Oak Park, IL, school that made a policy of constantly reminding students that they should not hug each other, but stopped short of actually disciplining students for doing so. Well, the administrators of Illinois schools have now taken their conviction that children deserve no affection one step farther. Administrators at Mascoutah Elementary School in Mascoutah, IL, have issued two detentions to one Megan Coulter, 13, pictured here, for violating the school's ban on all public displays of appreciation for one's peers. The school's ban on such displays began this school year. Megan, clearly a brash and hardened ne'er-do-well, will serve the second of the detentions today, and will continue to be disciplined by school administrators until she can learn to keep all of her humane impulses a secret.

Dalai Lama Forsakes Monk's Vows To Accept Giant Golden Penny From President

The Dalai Lama turned his back on the traditional Buddhist vow not to handle money today when he accepted a giant, solid-gold penny from George W. Bush. Bush recently announced his decision to honor Mr. Lama with the Congressional Gold Medal as a way of showing how much the President appreciates the Tibetan spiritual leader's status as a "universal symbol of peace and tolerance"--whatever that means. According to wikipedia, the Congressional Gold Medal is the highest civilian award which may be bestowed by the United States Congress. The decoration may be awarded to any individual who performs an outstanding deed or act of service to the security, prosperity, and national interest of the United States. The honoree need not be an American citizen. What a meaningless gesture--especially for a President who is presently waging several wars, even despite the objections of Congress. The President's bad faith aside, in my humble opinion this is only one step less crazy than awarding Al Gore a Nobel Peace Prize for giving a power point presentation in front of a camera. Anyway, I hope the Dalai Lama enjoys wearing that thing pinned to the breast of his tuxedo jacket the next time he goes to the opera with his 23 year-old actress girlfriend.

This Is Why Socialism Is Fucking Illegal

Venezuela President Hugo Chavez thinks that Venezuelans' high consumption of whisky is an example of the way consumerism harms society. According to the BBC, Venezuela is "one of the world's top importers of whiskey." In 2006, Venezuelans drank 106m bottles of Scotch whisky - almost four per person, and nearly 10% of all UK exports. Chavez has proposed to limit the amount of luxury goods that Venezuelans can import as a way to remedy the supposed over-consumption. OK; this is why socialism is bullshit. If someone told me I couldn't buy four bottles of whiskey per year, I'd be like "Get out of my house." I drank three fifths of Scotch last month, and if Karl Marx over here doesn't like that he can kiss it.

Crystal Lake Priest Sued For Defamation

Rev. Luis Alfredo Rios, a priest at CL's St. Thomas the Apostle Catholic Church (the one by Taco Bell) is being sued for defamation in McHenry County Circuit Court by a former parishoner, Mr. Angel R. Llavona. According to documents filed in the suit, the dispute began last year when Llavona left a message on Rios' answering machine, criticizing his homily: "I attended Mass on Sunday and I have seen poor homilies, but yesterday broke all records." Llavona further alleges that on Oct. 1, 2006, Rios played the recorded phone message from Llavona during a mass and asked parishioners if "we should send him to Hell or to another parish?" If Llavona thinks that's harsh, he should try going to an Evangelical Free Church!

Radiohead Are Such Kiss-Ass Fucking Hacks

Hey guys--guess what! You know you're favorite band--Radiohead?? Yeah I know you like them so much, and so does your nineteen year-old girlfriend, and her little sister too! You know what those guys are doing?? Did you hear they are coming out with a new album??(!) And they're like really modern and into like really faggy sci-fi futuristic bullshit? So they're so modern and totally ahead of their time that they're going to release their album ON THE INTERNET!!! And you know how much it's gonna cost??? NOTHING!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN JUST PAY WHATEVER YOU WANT AREN'T THOSE GUYS SO FUCKING COOL OH MY GOD IT'S SO SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS OF THEM TO GIVE YOU THEIR MUSIC FOR FREE EVEN THOUGH ITS NO BIG DEAL FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL FUCKING RICH SELLOUT ASSHOLES WHO ARE ONLY IN A BAND BECAUSE THEY'RE SO UGLY NO ONE WOULD FUCK THEM IF THEY WEREN'T IN A HUGE BAND FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!

Oak Park School Bans Hugs

Citing concerns that hugging might make students late for their class, and relying upon the common impression that children require no affection, a middle school in Oak Park, IL has banned hugging anywhere inside the school building. If observed hugging, the 860 students at Percy Julian Middle School will now, by school policy, be repeatedly reminded by school staff that they must always keep moving and that intimacy with one's peers is something that will always bring reprimand and shame.

Student Suffering Stroke Denied Emergency Care Per School Policy

I guess we can all agree that high schools should all be like jails, but at least in the clink you can eventually get paramedics if you have a stroke. Earlier this year freshman Mariya Fatima suffered a stroke while at school at Jamaica High School in Queens, NY. School staff declined to call 911, because they had been forbidden to do so by their superiors. Specifically, former Jamaica Assistant Principal Guy Venezia sent a memo to Jamaica High School's deans on April 12 banning 911 calls "for any reason." Why? Because 911 calls create permanent paper trials that could reinforce Jamiaca H. S.'s reputation as an unsafe school. We at The Avondale tip our hat to our educational system's concern for our children's safety.

Florida Students Disciplined For Exceeding Expectations

The latest in the grand American tradition of discouraging excellence is Golden Gate High School of Naples, Florida, which suspended a group of seniors for wearing blazers and ties to school. After the school adopted a khakis-and-oxford-shirt dress code for the 2007-2008 school year, one group of Golden Gate's graduating class decided to show off their senior spirit by dressing especially nice for school--wearing jackets and ties in addition to their khakis and button-up shirts. Administrators did not appreciate the students' enthusiasm. At Golden Gate High School the punishment for demonstrating excellence or a zeal for learning is an in-school suspension, during which students are not permitted to participate in the school's curriculum, do any classwork on their own, or do anything else that might have the effect of bettering themselves.

Looking At Girls Outlawed In California

Jack McClellan is behind bars in California right now, even though no one can figure out what law--if any--he has broken. He was ticketed earlier this week for "tresspassing" on public property on the UCLA campus and later jailed when it became clear that he was near some young girls--perhaps even looking at them! While legal experts rack their brains to figure out if McClellan has done anything wrong at all, men everywhere must make absolutely sure that they never look at any girl who isn't yet 18, dismayed mothers are destroying all photographic depictions of their children, and McClellan sits in jail.

Daley: Only 24 Currently Homeless in Chicago

The City of Chicago is presently making the absurd claim that only 24 homeless people live "downtown." One advocate group estimates the number of Chicago homeless at something more like 21,078.

Puppy Love Criminalized in TX

Although our culture has a limitless tolerance for all things manipulative or sadistic, one thing we simply will not abide is the sincere expression of human feeling. In a recent development in our collective rejection of all things non-ugly and non-hateful, a Houston sixth grader was charged with a felony and moved to a remedial school because she wrote "I love Alex" on the wall with a baby blue Sharpie. Remember, girls, youth is the time for you to do anything you want--see the world, drop out of B-school, fuck strangers to impress your girlfriends, and make sure to surround yourself with people you revile--but if you ever, ever, love anyone, know that the punishment will be severe.