Lindsay Lohan An Episcopalian!

My mother is going to be happy enough to cry: earlier this week, Paparazzi photographed Lindsay Lohan going to an Episcopal church! Episcopal churches are part of the mainline Protestant tradition in America and are historically related to The Scottish Episcopal church, a mainstream Christian sect in Scotland in full communion with The Church of England. After so many years of my being enamored with Catholics and Mormons, my mother is going to be so psyched about this one. Lindsay may be Irish, but she's no papist!

Sweden Becomes First Nation To Recognize Heavy Metal Fanship As Basis For Public Aid

Swedish metal fan Roger Tullgren has successfully petitioned the Swedish national government to grant him state aid on the basis of his metalness. Roger Tullgren first developed an interest in heavy metal when his older brother came home with a Black Sabbath album in 1971. Since then little else has mattered for the 42-year-old, who has long black hair, a collection of tattoos and wears skull and crossbones jewelry. Recently Tullgren's metalness has gotten in the way of his work; last year Tullgren felt compelled to attend more then 300 metal shows, often missing work in the process, and eventually found himself unemployed. Tullgren thereafter petitioned the Swedish government, which decided he should receive a state-funded supplement to his income and should be entitled, under the power of Swedish national law, to wear his black hair long and to wear skull jewelry to work. Said Tullgren, "I signed a form saying: 'Roger feels compelled to show his heavy metal style. This puts him in a difficult situation on the labour market. Therefore he needs extra financial help'. So now I can turn up at a job interview dressed in my normal clothes and just hand the interviewers this piece of paper." Rock on, Mr. Tullgren.

French Satanists Burn Churches, Reclaim Druidist Sites

Police in the west of France are pursuing a group of Satanists they suspect were involved in the burning of a 16th century church in the area. The Chapel of the Cross at Loqueffret near the remote tip of Brittany was burned Saturday to the point of collapse. Police found the letters "ABM" spraypainted on the walls of the destroyed church, which police suspect signify Aryan Black Metal, a Satanist movement which has links to heavy metal music, paganism and far-right politics. Gendarme Philippe Davadie, one of a 15-member team investigating the attacks, voiced his suspicions that the church was destroyed in order to reclaim a sacred Druidist site upon which the church was built.

Less American Parents Opting To Mutilate Genitals Of Male Children

Ornette Coleman Faints From Shear Lameness of Bonnaroo Festival

Legendary jazz performer Ornette Coleman collapsed onstage Sunday while performing at the monumentally lame drippy-hippy-fest Bonnaroo in Manchester, Tennessee. A powerful freethinker and musical iconoclast, Coleman recorded some of the most mind-blowing records in the history of popular music and is used to performing at really cool festivals like the Skopje Jazz Festival in Macedonia and performing at sweet-ass venues like Carnegie Hall in New York City and Bunkamura Orchard Hall in Tokyo. As Coleman was wheeled into the ambulance that would take him to Coffee County Hospital, the 77 year-old performing veteran could be heard murmuring "so many hippys...so fucking retarded...drowning in hippy bullshit..." Coleman's physicians do not expect him to have the same problem at his next concert, scheduled for July 6 in Kongsberg, Norway, since the crowd there promises to be totally rad.

Virginia's Premier Grind-Core Band Publishes New Album

I wish I could offer you an informed review of Phantom Limb, the very ambitious new LP by Pig Destroyer. But I am no purveyor of metal myself, so I can only give you my tentative impressions. I looked Pig Destroyer up after learning its name from the menu of Kuma's Corner, Avondale's local metal bar/gourmet hamburger joint. I found that the band was very highly regarded, and that the members had chosen the band's name as a slightly sly way of implying that they like to rough up cops. Intriguing. I noticed that they were slated to release a new album this June, and, accessing the cover artwork, I was stunned at how well the subtle, high-concept artwork had been executed. Plus it had titties. I went and picked up the new album at Permanent Records down on Chicago Avenue (fuck Reckless, who hadn't gotten any copies in yet). I listened to the album, which runs about a half an hour twice yesterday, and...I...like it...I guess? For someone not particularly well versed in this stuff, it kind of just sounds like some really well-disciplined musicians are mimicking a garbage disposal. The rhythms alone offer much to explore and enjoy, but I do find them somewhat difficult to process, since I have no fucking clue what the drummer is doing. The lyrics are fun--but I'm surprized how little doom and malice are to be mined from them. I thought I was paying for a whole CD full of songs about kicking cops' asses and killing grade school kids. You guys are supposed to be really good at this, can we step up the evil a little bit? I was dissappointed by certain points in the record where I felt the tenor of the songs did not live up to the strength I expected the album to project, such as parts where the lyrics amounted to whiny sentiments, and the one song that is basically just a break-up song thinly veiled in clearly insufficiently evil doom rhetoric. Finally, the decision to add a fourth musician to the ranks of this erstwhile trio, credited simply for "noise" is total bullshit, guys. In sum, I am enjoying the album with a critical eye on this band, of which I sense we could expect more.

Southern Baptists Neglect San Antonio's Taverns, Re-Elect Moderate President

The Southern Baptist Convention convened in San Antonio, TX this week, and yesterday the Convention re-elected the Rev. Frank Page, an apparently moderate leader amongst the candidates, for the convention's presidency. As Page spoke of his commitment to putting a more loving face on the Convention's agreed doctrinal rules and drew the line at compelling Baptist seminaries to fire staff that speak in tongues, the Convention's 10,000 delegates dissappointed San Antonio's dining industry by ordering very few cocktails.

Lohan Jill Stuart Campaign in Jeopardy?

There are presently conflicting reports about whether the plug will be pulled on LL's campaign with the Jill Stuart label. Lindsay was set to appear tarted up in print adds for the line this summer, but the campaign's main funder, Jill Stuart's Japanese division, has threatened to shut the whole thing down in light of the LL's recent implosion.

Is Mitt Romney Satan?

Americans United for the Separation of Church And State has requested that the IRS investigate Bill Keller Ministries, a St. Petersburg, Florida religious organization, which posted a message online encouraging people to "stay home" rather than voting for Mitt Romney, "since if you vote for Romney you are voting for satan!” Keller’s ministry is a non-profit entity with 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status. Federal tax law states that organizations holding this status may not endorse or oppose candidates for public office.

Vodka Turns LL Into Sado-Masochistic Cutter!

Sigh. This is getting too easy, LL. But, you heard it here first: LL is a cutter and a sado-masochist. No longer just a lesbian, DUI-getting coke-whore, LL is now a blade fetishist with a zeal for the sheen of metal that outdoes even your samarai sword-collecting uncle. Yawn. This is getting so fucking boring, LL, and Georgia Rule wasn't even good enough to justify ignoring these bullshit stunts. Call me when you get out of rehab, and we'll do a bunch of blow and cut the shit of out each other.