Oops--Pretend You Didn't Hear That

Rapist Tiffany King needs to be more discreet. The 19 year-old Lincoln, Nebraska woman, who prefers the company of 'tween boys, was riding around in her purple Dodge Neon with three 14 year-olds on July 22. At one point in the evening the object of her desire exited the vehicle, and she confided in the other two that “I’ll rape him if he doesn’t have sex with me.” Or at least that's what the affidavit the boys swore out for her arrest says. Later the two boys left King to go skateboarding, and they claim to have observed King making it with their friend in her car during the time they were gone. Statutory rape is a law that's hardly ever enforced--mainly just when a girl turns up pregnant or when a 14 year old boy gets scared shitless because a women tells him she's going to rape his friend. Tiffany King is presently awaiting trial on charges of first degree sexual assault.

Have Fun Getting Married, Fag!

British press is reporting that women prefer men with feminine features when looking for a long-term mate. The report is based on research conducted at The University of St. Andrews, Scotland. Researchers had women view a variety of images of faces of men with varying degrees of masculine and feminine features and asked them to identify which ones they'd like to commit to and which ones they'd rather just roll around with for awhile. Women apparently prefer men with more masculine features as short-term partners and prefer more sissy-looking guys as husbands.

OK; You Need To Take Care Of This.

Not only is Lindsay Lohan totally addicted to coke, an alcoholic, and, now, a bad actress: Sources close to Lindsay are now voicing suspicions that she may be...with child? She must really be determined to end her career!

Cops Kill Another Kid In Chicago

Last night a Chicago Police officer shot a teenager dead in Lawndale, leading to what amounted to a small riot as the kid's neighbors heard about the incident. Cops blocked off a four-block area, used pepper spray on some protesters, and even broke a journalist's camera. As for the shooting, the Chicago Police Department is sticking to the trusty old "we thought he had a gun" explanation.

Guys: Like Black Chicks?

Mainstream media all over the place is reporting that African American women are increasingly choosing to "date out," or, in other words, to date white dudes. The real question is how long we have to wait for all of those small penis jokes to peter out.

Sexual Torture Preferred Means Of Eliminating HIV-Inducing Witches In Papua New Guinea

Papua New Guinea is presently facing an AIDS catastrophe, accounting for 90 percent of HIV infections in the entire Oceania region. HIV diagnoses have risen there by around 30 percent every year since 1997, leaving an estimated 60,000 people living with the disease in 2005. The source of the disease's prodiguous rise in PNG is clear: the rampant practice of witchcraft among local women. Although a high level of sexual violence perpetrated against Papa New Guinea's female population has been identified as a major source of the HIV epidemic, presently a preferred method of combating the disease among PNG's population is sexual torture of the predominantly female witch community. One source estimates there have been more than 500 such attacks in PNG during the past year.

Lohan's Fed Up Parents Ship Her To Sundance, Utah To Be Straightened Out By Disciplinarian Grandmother

Fed up with their daughter's relentless boozing and carousing, Lindsay Lohan's parents have shipped her to the Cirque Lodge in Sundance, Utah to dry out under the watchful eye of Lindsay's strict grandmother. Lindsay currently faces multiple charges stemming from alleged substance abuse, including two DUI charges and two charges for possession of cocaine. Lindsay's parents, at their wits' end, hope that spending time with her family's strong-willed Utahan matriarch is just what Lindsay needs to whip her into shape in time to metriculate at Vassar. Let's just hope she doesn't go down on some Mormon boy in a paddle boat and seduce her stepdad again while she's out there!

The Next Time One Of Your Female Peers Complains That It's "A Boys' Club" Yell "Bullshit!" At Her

A few days ago The New York Times and other mainstream media outlets confirmed what has been obvious to men in my generation all of their lives: that the fact that our female peers have always been given more resources, more support, more money for education and more opportunities will inevitably mean they will earn more as young adults. The fact that their parents are still paying for their car insurance only makes the gap more pronounced!

Witches Precipitate Rise In HIV In Mozambique

A community of practicing witches--mainly elderly women--are believed to be associated in the rise of fatal cases of HIV and AIDS in the African nation of Mozambique. Those identified as witches are frequently "kicked out of their families" and shunned by the community. Authorities have further linked a string of violent killings in Mozambique with practitioners of witchcraft, claiming that the murders have been perpetrated in order to sell human remains for use in rituals. Although Mozambican authorities do not yet have a handle on the situation, locals have contained practitioners of witchcraft in their communities by means of lynchings and arson. One man accused of practicing witchcraft is pictured above, standing next to his burned home.

Paulina James To Portray Lindsay Lohan In Upcoming Adult Film

Paulina James may not be the most fresh-faced porn starlet around, but, admittedly, she looks a lot less busted than Lindsay Lohan does these days. So James will have to trash herself up and string herself out in the coming months because she's been "tapped" to portray the troubled LL in a "forthcoming" adult film entitled Lindsay HoHand: Get Out of My F*#k!ng Way. The movie is due for release in October.

And, on a personal note, you won't be hearing as much about Lindsay Lohan's exploits here at The Avondale; it just isn't any fun anymore.