Womankind, You've Finally Made It!

We all know that the only things women give a shit about are clubbing and babies. Now they can have both at the same time. That's right, an auteur in Tucson, AZ has opened Baby Club Congress--the latest (and surely not last) in a trend of baby-friendly nightclubs that has spread across the US. And yes, you can drink there. But I'm guessing you won't meet any cute guys.

Welcome Back, Lindsay! Now It's Time To Boogie!

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Now hopefully she can stay out of LA. LL spent a month in rehab at the posh Cirque Lodge facility in Park City, Utah after a bizarre episode this summer in which she got really drunk and coked up, then chased a car all the way to a police station parking lot. Now that she's out of rehab, Lindsay is starting shooting a film entitled Dare To Love Me, but it may take more than a triple dog dare to get much of her fan base back. Lindsay: I have the highest of hopes for you. I'm psyched that you're out of that rehab center! It must have been hard--all couped up in there, with nothing but really shitty meth and having no one to fuck besides your fellow patients. Now you're out and you can start getting your career back on track and start drinking and fucking normal guys again. Can't wait to see what happens!

First Murder On Islay For 30 Years?

On September 20 a 49 year-old man was found severely injured in the street near his home in Port Ellen on the Isle of Islay in Argyle, Scotland. Port Ellen is a quiet, little town on a small island off Scotland's southwest coast. Both Islay and Port Ellen are known primarily for the Scotch distilleries associated with them. A police spokesperson said that initially police believed that the man's wounds had resulted from an accident, but doctors later became suspicious about the man's wounds. Presently rumours are being voiced around the island that the man was attacked. The man died in hospital care on Wednesday, October 3. A post-mortem examination is scheduled for today. If the man indeed was murdered, it will be the first murder on Ilsay for 30 years.

Chicago Reader Goes Tabloid

Oh, btw, this week The Chicago Reader gave itself a new format--that of a single-fold tabloid, reminiscent of The Sun Times or The New York Post. I, for one, had thought that The Reader's unique "three little sections folded inside of one slightly bigger section" format was pretty much the only cool thing left about it. On the other hand, a one-section tabloid will be way easier to clean up when your girlfriend leaves them all over your bedroom floor.

This Is Why Socialism Is Fucking Illegal

Venezuela President Hugo Chavez thinks that Venezuelans' high consumption of whisky is an example of the way consumerism harms society. According to the BBC, Venezuela is "one of the world's top importers of whiskey." In 2006, Venezuelans drank 106m bottles of Scotch whisky - almost four per person, and nearly 10% of all UK exports. Chavez has proposed to limit the amount of luxury goods that Venezuelans can import as a way to remedy the supposed over-consumption. OK; this is why socialism is bullshit. If someone told me I couldn't buy four bottles of whiskey per year, I'd be like "Get out of my house." I drank three fifths of Scotch last month, and if Karl Marx over here doesn't like that he can kiss it.

LL Gets Into The Halloween Spirit

Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a punkin patch recently, picking out a big ol' punkin to add some fall-time flair to her rehab cell. There was a cuter picture, where she was smiling, but it didn't have the big ol' punkin in it. I guess I'll just go ahead and say that I don't get her outfit--even as far as punkin-pickin' clothes go. What's with the silver-ass headband? And please--for the love of God--stop bleaching the shit out of your hair, Lindsay!

Crystal Lake Priest Sued For Defamation

Rev. Luis Alfredo Rios, a priest at CL's St. Thomas the Apostle Catholic Church (the one by Taco Bell) is being sued for defamation in McHenry County Circuit Court by a former parishoner, Mr. Angel R. Llavona. According to documents filed in the suit, the dispute began last year when Llavona left a message on Rios' answering machine, criticizing his homily: "I attended Mass on Sunday and I have seen poor homilies, but yesterday broke all records." Llavona further alleges that on Oct. 1, 2006, Rios played the recorded phone message from Llavona during a mass and asked parishioners if "we should send him to Hell or to another parish?" If Llavona thinks that's harsh, he should try going to an Evangelical Free Church!

Radiohead Are Such Kiss-Ass Fucking Hacks

Hey guys--guess what! You know you're favorite band--Radiohead?? Yeah I know you like them so much, and so does your nineteen year-old girlfriend, and her little sister too! You know what those guys are doing?? Did you hear they are coming out with a new album??(!) And they're like really modern and into like really faggy sci-fi futuristic bullshit? So they're so modern and totally ahead of their time that they're going to release their album ON THE INTERNET!!! And you know how much it's gonna cost??? NOTHING!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN JUST PAY WHATEVER YOU WANT AREN'T THOSE GUYS SO FUCKING COOL OH MY GOD IT'S SO SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS OF THEM TO GIVE YOU THEIR MUSIC FOR FREE EVEN THOUGH ITS NO BIG DEAL FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL FUCKING RICH SELLOUT ASSHOLES WHO ARE ONLY IN A BAND BECAUSE THEY'RE SO UGLY NO ONE WOULD FUCK THEM IF THEY WEREN'T IN A HUGE BAND FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!

Oak Park School Bans Hugs

Citing concerns that hugging might make students late for their class, and relying upon the common impression that children require no affection, a middle school in Oak Park, IL has banned hugging anywhere inside the school building. If observed hugging, the 860 students at Percy Julian Middle School will now, by school policy, be repeatedly reminded by school staff that they must always keep moving and that intimacy with one's peers is something that will always bring reprimand and shame.

Lohan And Pals Grace Skateboard Decks

Think skateboards is releasing new skateboard deck designs featuring the mugshots of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I want one. In related news, Lindsay is checking out of rehab for a visit to her dad, and I guess David Letterman went off on Paris Hilton on the air on Friday, which seems really unusual for him.