R.I.P. (The Other) Michael Jackson

Frank Coleman, Distilled Spirits Council Senior Vice President, filed a press release today announcing that celebrated spirits expert Michael Jackson died yesterday. The press release did not mention the cause of Mr. Jackson's death. Michael Jackson is a noted author and expert on spirits, especially whiskey. Jackson has published many painstakingly researched volumes on the subject for publishing houses like DK and Simon and Schuster, including Michael Jackson's Great Beers of Belgium, Ultimate Beer, The Complete Guide To Single Malt Scotch, and Whiskey: The Definitive World Guide, to name only a few. Jackson's absolutely essential Complete Guide To Single Malt Scotch is presently in its fifth edition, and Jackson's writings have earned him five Glenfiddich Food And Drink Awards. As a spirits expert, Jackson was absolutely peerless and his books betray not only a great expertise, but also a limitless zeal for the object of his work. Neither wikipedia, nor my copy of The Complete Guide offer any biographical information about Jackson.

Olsen To Star In New Bret Easton Ellis Movie

Dude--this is so badass. Ashley Olsen is going to star in a Hollywood adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' book The Informers. I haven't read The Informers, but I guess its a collection of vignettes set in LA circa 1983--sound cool enough yet? No? How about this: Ashley Olsen is going to play the part of a "a sexually promiscuous girl"! Bret Easton Ellis-tastic!

Research: Male Undergraduate Students Sacrifice Professional Opportunity For Love

Research conducted by faculty of Duke University Medical Center and The University of Albany challenges the prevailing stereotype that women tend to value relationships and men tend to value their personal achievements. The study, which focused on college-aged subjects, concluded that men were more likely than women to give priority to a romantic relationship when asked to choose between a relationship and their career, education and traveling. Researchers further opined that the study seemed to indicate that men, in contrast to women, derive more emotional support from their opposite-sex relationships than their same-sex friendships.

Brown-Forman's Profits Up, Stock Price Down

Louisville, KY-based liquor conglomerate Brown-Forman, best known for its portfolio of American whiskey brands, recorded a $95.4M profit during the three months ending July 31. That's a $.8M increase from last year's first quarter. The company attributes the success to the world-wide demand for its mainline brands such as Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey and the strong performance of its newer premium brands such as Woodford Reserve, which the company has promoted heavily this year. The value of Brown-Forman stock dipped this morning, however, because the first quarter earnings the company reported were lower than some analysts had expected.

In related news, British liquor conglomerate Diageo, which owns Guinness, as well as 26 Scotch distilleries, including Lagavulin, Oban, Talisker, Clynelish and Linkwood, reported a 22% drop in earnings for the first quarter--down to 1.49 billion pounds sterling--but Diageo stock is up a whole 2.2% this morning.

Research: 27-Year-Old Men Genetically Predisposed To Liking Lindsay Lohan

A team of researchers from Vienna University's No Duh Department recently went public with research that tends to show that men's preference for younger women is a result of evolution. Vienna U No Duh Department head, Professor Obvious opined that men who fuck younger women "maximize their of chances of reproducing." But here's something pretty interesting: apparently the optimum age difference for reproduction is six years. Perfect!

MSN Doesn't Know Shit About Sexy

For some reason, MSN's "men's page" today opted to perpetuate the myth that the sexiest women in the world are, oh--let's say about 37. Usually men's media doesn't play into this kind of cruel teasing meant only to flatter insecure 30-somethings into buying more shoes, sweets and shiraz. But, ladies, to make up for it I'm going to tell you something Godiva's marketers would never tell you: we'd all rather stick with 'Manda Bynes, or else go straight for Isabella Rossellini.

And I Got One Leg--Jealous?

The sex scene from I Know Who Killed Me was just posted on the internet like yesterday. Apparently even the dudes who pirate movies left the theatre before they got that far.

Man Dies In Sheriff's Custody

An inmate at Cook County Jail died yesterday. Sam Wright, 45, had been in custody at Cook County on possession charges since Sunday. Wright's cellmate alerted guards that Wright was unresponsive at about 3:00 PM Monday afternoon. When paramedics arrived, they opined that Wright was in cardiac arrest. Wright was pronounced dead at 3:35 p.m. in St. Anthony Hospital, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office.

Glenmorangie Workers Set To Strike

The staff of Glenmorangie Distillery has voted to strike in a dispute over shift assignments. Apparently management recently rearranged the worker's shift patterns and threatened to fire workers who did not comply with the new arrangement. The staff plans to strike as soon as they receive the go-ahead from their union. Glenmorangie, located near Tain, Scotland, is one of the nation's foremost distilleries, producing Scotland's most-consumed single malt whiskey.

Florida Students Disciplined For Exceeding Expectations

The latest in the grand American tradition of discouraging excellence is Golden Gate High School of Naples, Florida, which suspended a group of seniors for wearing blazers and ties to school. After the school adopted a khakis-and-oxford-shirt dress code for the 2007-2008 school year, one group of Golden Gate's graduating class decided to show off their senior spirit by dressing especially nice for school--wearing jackets and ties in addition to their khakis and button-up shirts. Administrators did not appreciate the students' enthusiasm. At Golden Gate High School the punishment for demonstrating excellence or a zeal for learning is an in-school suspension, during which students are not permitted to participate in the school's curriculum, do any classwork on their own, or do anything else that might have the effect of bettering themselves.