Nymag.com Crashes Under The Enormous Weight Of Lindsay Lohan's Tits

According to the Red Eye, nymag.com recorded 20 million hits on Monday and Tuesday for the nude photographs of Lindsay Lohan presently posted on the website. That's 2,000% more traffic than the site had one year ago. Eventually the traffic built up to such an extent that the site crashed harder than LL t-boning a paparazzo in her Mercedes.

I Told You They Were Real!

I'm not going to go on and on about this, but New York Magazine is publishing nudie pictures of LL in it's next issue. Photographer Ben Stern had Lindsay do a mock-up of Marilyn Monroe's iconic "Last Sitting" shoot, telling LL that they would be shown in a museum or a solo show or something, and then he just sold them to a magazine. Anyway, LL's publicist is just like, "suck it; take a look at that and try to tell me they're fake." The issue isn't on stands yet, but it looks like it's going to make a big splash. Earlier today when I called the Borders on State Street to see if they carried New York Magazine, the clerk, who clearly had been fielding calls like this all day was like "you want the Lindsay Lohan issue? It's not here yet." It just goes to show that Lindsay Lohan kicks an endless amount of ass. I'm really glad someone's giving her a break, even if it is in a "but you have to get naked" way.

Update: I just checked the pictures out on nymag.com, and a couple of them actually made me weak in the knees. I'm really tempted to post one here, but, out of a sense of propriety, I will refrain. You should really check it out though.

Viva La Boosh!

So, the only thing I really give a fuck about right now is The Mighty Boosh, a 30-minute BBC sitcom/psychedelic adventure created by these two guys Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt. A few months ago a friend of mine showed me an episode he had TiVo'd, and at first it really creaped me out, but after a couple viewings I started to fully embrace the Boosh, and now I crave it every night. It's pointless to try to explain the show to a non-Boosher. But if you like Gary Numan, magic, feathered hair, bizarre home-made monster costumes, Polo mints and strawberry shoelaces, obligatory ho-downs, learning a brand-new language of British slang (bonus: including "fetch" meaning "cool," like in Mean Girls) and really, really hot female extras, you owe it to yourself give it a shot. Seriously: don't fuck this one up--you need the Boosh.

Visit the official Mighty Boosh website.

Does This Mean...There Is A God?

I'm not sure if this is proof of God's existence - or proof that God is truly dead - but Anton LeVey's "Black House," for decades the San Francisco headquarters of LeVey's Church of Satan, has now been supplanted by a really fucking ugly condo duplex.

Fuck, Yes! LL To Publish Her Diary

Lindsay Lohan is planning to one-up all of her mouthy former bodyguards by going ahead and publishing all of the lurid details of her descent into addiction and nymphomania herself. I can't wait; this is going to be so sweet! No word yet on when it comes out or who will publish it, but believe you me I'll keep you updated.

LL To Participate In Scared Straight Program At Morgue

This summer Lindsay Lohan will visit a morgue as part of the plea deal she struck with the court in her drunk driving case. The visit is part of a "scared straight"-style class conducted by the Los Angeles County Coroner's Office, in which a couple dozen other DUI perpetrators will participate. Lindsay and her classmates will all have to confront dead bodies at the morgue as an object lesson in the possible consequences of driving drunk. As I'm sure you will remember, Lindsay was arrested twice last year on DUI charges and pleaded guilty in August to misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine possession charges. LL has also performed many hours of community service and served a day in jail as part of the plea deal.

"Sugar, Sugar": The One That Started It All?

What's your favorite song? Mine's "Sugar, Sugar." You know that song, right? It's pretty awesome, isn't it? It probably won't surprise you to hear that it topped the charts both in America and in the UK when it was released in 1969--but did you know that Billboard ranked it as the #1 single of the entire year? So, it beat out all singles released in 1969 by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Jackson 5 and Stevie Wonder, for instance. When I was in high school I used to spend a lot of time riding around in my friend Jason's car, listening to 104.3 (which used to be an oldies station) on his disintegrating car stereo. Invariably "Sugar, Sugar" would come on at some point in the day, and we would turn it up and rock out. Back then we used to joke that "Sugar, Sugar" was the first indiepop song because the simple chord progression (C Major--F Major--G Major), the fuzzbox lead guitar, and the amateurish-sounding female vocal interjections reminded us of the songs on the 7 inches I had ordered from Slumberland and the Bus Stop Label. Actually "Sugar, Sugar" was the opposite of amateurish; it was written by Brill Building mainstay Jeff Barry, who also penned "Be My Baby," and (yes the sleeve of my copy of End Of The Century confirms he also wrote) "Baby, I Love You." Ellie Greenwich, Barry's partner in writing "Baby, I Love You" didn't help write "Sugar, Sugar"--but is one of the studio musicians who performed on the record. I could have guessed all of this stuff, but what I had no idea about is that The Archies, who "perform" "Sugar, Sugar" are the characters from Archie Comics, who somehow sang Brill Building pop songs on I guess a TV show. So that's why they didn't tour.

Ten Reasons To Be Mod In 2008

I know you've been thinking about it for a long time; we all have. But I'm hoping maybe this year's the year. Let's all buy parkas and Chelsea boots and exclusively hang out with girls with pixie cuts--like we used to in high school. Not convinced? Well, for your perusal I have compiled this list of why you and I should finally take the plunge and be mods in 2008.

10) It's the only counterculture where no one will mind that we don't give a shit about anything besides hair gel and name brand clothes. It's pretty disingenuous to embrace some kind of bohemian counterculture and then spend $75 on a haircut and $150 on jeans. When you're a mod, you won't have to feel a tinge of guilt for your zealous consumerism.

9) Vespas get 70 miles to the gallon. That makes for economical transportation no matter how long this Iraq thing takes. Keep your gas money and spend it on hairspray.

8) It's the only thing you can do that will truly piss off your hippie parents. Keep your hair above your ears and wear a tie everyday. It will eat them up inside.

7) You can't get AIDS from popping pills. Just ask Stiv Bators' ghost.

6) 1960's American R&B is still the greatest music ever recorded. The best thing you can say about any of the records that have been recorded since is that they remind you of how good Stax and Motown were.

5) Every woman looks beautiful with short hair. Admittedly counter-intuitive, but undeniably true.

4) We'll be all ready for ska's fourth wave. It will arrive any day now.

3) Even Brooks Brothers sells peg leg suits these days. Unfortunately they cost like $1900.00. Fortunately 501's and tennis sweaters work just as well.

2) Rock and Roll sucks and people who listen to it deserve to get beaten up. Go back to Liverpool, assholes.

1) If you are mod, nice girls will look at you expectantly as they eat ice cream. Just look at that--it looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life.

The Return Of Love Rock?

After about eight years of that whole black-on-black, angry, politico-rock horse shit, it's starting to look like we might be able to wear whatever we want and start listening to good music again. I have no idea what caused it, but what I call "the dark age" of rock-as-monolith, bands with dress codes, vegetarianism as a musical movement, and, of course, dire cynicism about love and sex, seems to be, well, no longer hip. How do I know this? What could possibly make me so brash as to hope for this? Witness the title of the forthcoming album by Xiu Xiu, Women As Lovers. Would that have ever flown in 2000? No, ma'am. And just look at the cover art; it's more love rock than anything I've seen since Heather Lewis sang on The Wedding Present's Watusi album. Sell your Stones records, pull out your Cat's Miaow CDs, and keep your fingers crossed.

Newsflash: Lohan Likes To Fuck Italian Men

MSNBC's obvious department has been working hard on its story about one Alessandro diNunzio's comments about the night he spent with Lindsay Lohan recently while she was at the Capri Film Festival, reporting what we all could have guessed about LL: that she's really bright and funny and flexible, that her sexual aggressiveness does a poor job of disguising her insecurities, that she (like all truly attractive women) wears mismatched underwear, and that she hopes that having sex with "nice boys" will help her put her alcoholism behind her. Congratulations, Mr. diNunzio--but, buddy, I would have fucked her for so much longer than "one-and-a-half hours."