Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Westboro Baptist Church Hit With $2.9M Verdict

Westboro Baptist Church--that bastion of temperate wisdom that brought you stuck with a $2.9 million dollar verdict from a jury in federal court in Baltimore, MD, today. And that doesn't include any punitive damages the jury may decide to award. The Westboro Baptist Church is a tight-knit group of seething hate-mongers, mainly made up of the blood relatives of its leader Fred Phelps. Needless to say, the group, known for its absurd website and its embarrassing, inappropriate public protests--which often include some amount of audience baiting--is a disgrace to all Baptists. Albert Snyder of York, PA, sued these psychos after they protested the funeral of his son, a marine, as a part of the group's recent campaign of picketing the funerals of random armed forces personnel as a way of agitating against the military's failure to actively purge itself of all homosexuals. Albert Snyder: 1, Westboro Baptist Church: -2,900,000.00.

The Dopest Celebratory Adjective Ever

I think that instead of using the words "sick" or "tight" to mean "cool," we should go back to using the word "fly" to mean "cool," like everybody did in 1990.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Oh Shit: "White Oprah" Starts Filming Reality Show

Dina Lohan, the self-proclaimed "White Oprah" is finally going to get that reality show she's being harping about for what seems like an eternity. The show will star Dina and Ali Lohan, AKA Lil' Lohan, and, according to Dina the show will demonstrate how functional the Lohan family really is and how much of a hard-working, successful, non-kids' money scamming woman Dina really is. E! is filming the show, but I imagine that's no guarantee the channel will ever air the thing. Let's hope they do though, just so we can all sneek a look into Lindsay Lohan's horrifying homelife.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Public Opinion: Crying Men Are OK, Crying Women Are Creepy

Today CNN opined that viewers' reactions to public figures crying depends in large part on the public figure's gender. Perhaps counter-intuitively, people react much more favorably when men cry. Apparently, it is perceived that a man is crying because he apprecietes the gravity of a situation, and that a women is just blubbering for trivial reasons.

Canadian Club Launches Most Bad-Ass Ad Campaign Ever

Canadian Club, a whiskey that was highly favored by American drinkers decades ago, just launched an ad campaign that aspires to make CC a big-name brand again. But that isn't the end of the campaign's ambitions. Developed by advertising agency Energy BBDO of Chicago, this is Canadian Club's first national ad compaign in twenty years. The rather unique ads utilize a series of celebratory snap shots from the 1970's and posit a time of free-spirited--if a bit tame, non-threatening and run-of-the-mill--hedonism that today's younger alcohol consumers never experienced first-hand. Aimed exclusively at men (tagline: "Damn right your dad drank it") the ads are, of course, a welcome change from the metrosexual/neo-heroin chic masculinty monolith we've been stuck with recently. But I think they go even farther than that--inviting the consumer to ponder what kind of man he is becoming and why. I admit it's pretty Warhol-ian to think that advertising is more inspiring than, say, church. But, either way, you have to admit that this is one impressive attempt to reinvigorate an almost forgotten brand.

Lindsay "Broke-Ass" Lohan Contractually Obliged To Host Lame LV New Year's Party

A Las Vegas nightclub, inexplicably named after Los Angeles airport LAX, is compelling LL to host a New Year's party there. How could anyone be obligated to celebrate their favorite holiday at a sleezy Las Vegas meat-market? Well, Lindsay accepted a few hundred grand from LAX in exchange for the press the club would get when she would host her 21st b-day party there. Then she flaked out, or got arrested, or whatever. But here's the twist ending: LL is so brokester right now, she doesn't have enough money to pay LAX back. So she has to yawn her way through New Year's Eve in some bar she doesn't even want to be in--all the while trying her damndest not to drink any liquor or snort any coke!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Leading Blend To Change Image

Teacher's blended Scotch whisky is set to change it's emblem to the one pictured here, which simply makes use of the image of the whisky's namesake and its "Full Flavor" motto. Teacher’s is a premium blended Scotch whisky, although the brand is much more prominent in the UK than it is in the states. The brand is known for its exceptionally high malt content. Guaranteed at 45 per-cent malt, the blend's proportion of malt to neutral spirits is amongst the highest of any blend. Teacher’s was first blended in Glasgow in the 1830s. The blend was recently recognised by the prestigious International Spirits Challenge 2007, picking up a bronze award for blended Scotch whisky.

What's The Opposite Of Metrosexuality?

I predict that in the future women will have to dress as if they were butch lesbians to be considered cool, and heterosexual men will only be sexually attracted to women they think are gay.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Newsflash: Men Like To Fuck Feminists

We've been hiding it pretty well for decades now, but today Yahoo news let the cat out of the bag: men think feminists are really hot--maybe even as hot as women who don't mind subjugation. What's more, men love fucking feminists and all other women who respect themselves and hold themselves to high standards--even those that have superiority complexes--because it's so much more fun to listen to women like that beg for it. But seriously--pat yourself on the back, young feminist. Thinking that you are as important as anybody else is nothing to be embarrassed about. No matter what people say, men admire your self-respect, they think you're at least pretty cute, and, if you loose the glasses, they will fuck you whenever you want.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dalai Lama Forsakes Monk's Vows To Accept Giant Golden Penny From President

The Dalai Lama turned his back on the traditional Buddhist vow not to handle money today when he accepted a giant, solid-gold penny from George W. Bush. Bush recently announced his decision to honor Mr. Lama with the Congressional Gold Medal as a way of showing how much the President appreciates the Tibetan spiritual leader's status as a "universal symbol of peace and tolerance"--whatever that means. According to wikipedia, the Congressional Gold Medal is the highest civilian award which may be bestowed by the United States Congress. The decoration may be awarded to any individual who performs an outstanding deed or act of service to the security, prosperity, and national interest of the United States. The honoree need not be an American citizen. What a meaningless gesture--especially for a President who is presently waging several wars, even despite the objections of Congress. The President's bad faith aside, in my humble opinion this is only one step less crazy than awarding Al Gore a Nobel Peace Prize for giving a power point presentation in front of a camera. Anyway, I hope the Dalai Lama enjoys wearing that thing pinned to the breast of his tuxedo jacket the next time he goes to the opera with his 23 year-old actress girlfriend.

Research: Soy Lowers Sperm Count

I'm not sure if this means dudes should eat more or eat less tofu, but researchers at Harvard's medical school think that eating soy products lowers sperm count. Apparently, soya foods contain high amounts of certain compounds that mimic the effects of oestrogen in the body. Men who eat just half a serving of soya a day have drastically fewer sperm than those who do not consume such foods, according to a small, preliminary study performed by researchers at Harvard. Of course, soya industry shills caution that the new findings contradict earlier studies that have shown no impact on sperm count from soya-based products.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Rape Charges Filed Out Of Embarassment

LL: Brother, Could You Spare A Dime?

A few weeks ago I was talking to my friend Jason and he gave me this really fishy look when I casually opined that celebrities aren't really that rich compared to people who are actually rich--and who really gives a shit how much money someone makes if they just waste it all? Well, Jason, here's Ms. case in point:

Lindsay Lohan may look like a million bucks these days, but she's broke--at least according to the British tabloid press. How is that possible? I'll give you a hint: $700,000.00 in tanning bills alone. Plus there's the small matter of the legal fees she's paying for her myriad of cases, both civil and criminal. Hm... How much do you think she spends on blow every day?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Delaware Travelogue

I'm at my grandfather's house in Wilmington right now. I flew here to celebrate my grandfather's 80th birthday with him and some extended family. As my brother pointed out to me earlier today, this house is the one location that has stayed constant throughout our lives, as I, my brother, our parents, and my father's siblings' families have all repeatedly moved to new homes all across the country.

I flew into Philadelphia Saturday afternoon, where my aunt and my brother picked me up. On the way to Wilmington we stopped in Elsmere to get subs at Casapulla's, a deli that was a family favorite during my childhood in DE, and since then has become like a legendary and venerable icon of our Reagan 80's childhood, living in newly-built subdivisions, surrounded by the families of Italian bankers transplanted from New York to fill positions at the burgeoning MBNA. My brother and I resolved to split a 12" Italian sub with oil and vinegar, "everything," plus pickles and sweet peppers, and a 6" cheesesteak with grilled onions and mushrooms--and sweet peppers. Back at the house, everybody kept repeating the obvious--that it was impossible to get an Italian sub this good west of the Allegheny.

Saturday night my brother and I went to a birthday dinner for my grandfather at a seafood place in downtown Wilmington, near the train station with my aunt, my uncle from Orange County, and my uncle from New York and his family. The place was big conglomerate of restaurants where downtown wearhouses used to be, and it reminded me of the flats in Cleveland. There we all grinned encouragingly at my uncle from NY's daughter who, at age 16, politely declines to eat practically anything besides french fries, speghetti or boiled white rice. She's the first blonde blood member of our family of brown-eyed Scots, and we seem to agree that she's smarter than all of us (she is) and should be able to do whatever she wants.

That night my brother and I sat up together here at my grandfather's house, hours after everybody else had gone to sleep, drank enough coffee for it to be mind-altering, and talked about how awesome it is that this house--and to a great extent this whole town--hasn't changed at all since we were young children. The same 2" blue pinbacks that read "Reagan For President" and "Reagan Bush" are stuck to corkboard in the laundry room; the family still eats at Casapulla's and The Charcoal Pit (sort of the Chicago's Pizza and El Cid of Wilmington, DE) whenever possible; and--believe it or not--they are still doing the same construction on the Philadelphia airport they were doing when we were in grade school.

This morning I slept in as my uncle from NY steadily corralled his family into their car so that he could get them back to Battery Park before he had to fly to LA for business. I moved into the back bedroom--where they had been before they packed up--and fell asleep, feeling somewhat guilty becuase I had promised my grandfather I would take him to church. When I finally did get up--after 12 noon--my brother was famished, so I drove him around the corner to The Charcoal Pit. I hadn't been there since I was maybe 7 or 8, but my brother ate there yesterday or Friday. We ate the huge burgers at our little table by a little table-side juke box and I imagined that the teen girls who waited the tables were the kind of girls I would have been attracted to if I had stayed in DE and gone to Tatnall. My brother--a transplant to New York--was bemoaning how this is supposed to be the last season for Coney Island, and someone is supposed to turn the place into a Nickelodean-themed amusement park.

When my brother and I got back to my grandfather's house, my uncle from Orange County and my aunt had just arrived with coffee and with a sub from Wa Wa (a convenience store common in DE). My brother and were skeptical about buying a sub from a convenience store, but my uncle assured us that a convenience store sub in DE was still way better than any sub you can get in Orange County. Later in the afternoon my brother become determined to get subs at Casapulla's again. So we drove to Elsmere, but once we got there Casapulla's was closed. Now quite hungry, we racked our brains for dining options in this town we haven't lived in since the age of 10. Finally, it dawned on me that Pat's Pizzeria, which was right on the way back to the house, makes a pretty good Italian sub.

Earlier this evening, with my uncle from Orange County as my co-pilot, I drove my brother to the train station in Wilmington to put him on a train back to NYC. Since we arrived early we sat with him on the platform and my uncle told us a hilarious story about the time he blew out the engine in his VW Bug driving from Evanston to West LaFayette, IN while my uncle was going to Northwestern and my dad to Purdue. As we put my brother on the train, I told my uncle how much I hate Amtrak, but I was struck by how this old town where I grew up is so easily connected to New York by train and Chicago by air and that in some way this location can still be central in our family's collective life, even when almost none of us live here.

Friday, October 12, 2007

LL To Be "Playboy Bunny"?

Not like that--although that would be so awesome (and is probably inevitable), but rather Lindsay Lohan is being considered to play a Playboy Bunny in a forthcoming biopic on Hugh Hefner.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I Just Solved All Of Your Romantic Problems

By showing you this website. You know how you're always like, "The only thing wrong with all the guys I meet is that they aren't millionaires"? I've got a whole website full of 'em, baby. And they're not just any millionaires; they're the kind of millionaires that can't get a date without going through a special dating site for millionaires. I'm never using Jdate again.

Womankind, You've Finally Made It!

We all know that the only things women give a shit about are clubbing and babies. Now they can have both at the same time. That's right, an auteur in Tucson, AZ has opened Baby Club Congress--the latest (and surely not last) in a trend of baby-friendly nightclubs that has spread across the US. And yes, you can drink there. But I'm guessing you won't meet any cute guys.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Welcome Back, Lindsay! Now It's Time To Boogie!

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Now hopefully she can stay out of LA. LL spent a month in rehab at the posh Cirque Lodge facility in Park City, Utah after a bizarre episode this summer in which she got really drunk and coked up, then chased a car all the way to a police station parking lot. Now that she's out of rehab, Lindsay is starting shooting a film entitled Dare To Love Me, but it may take more than a triple dog dare to get much of her fan base back. Lindsay: I have the highest of hopes for you. I'm psyched that you're out of that rehab center! It must have been hard--all couped up in there, with nothing but really shitty meth and having no one to fuck besides your fellow patients. Now you're out and you can start getting your career back on track and start drinking and fucking normal guys again. Can't wait to see what happens!

Friday, October 5, 2007

First Murder On Islay For 30 Years?

On September 20 a 49 year-old man was found severely injured in the street near his home in Port Ellen on the Isle of Islay in Argyle, Scotland. Port Ellen is a quiet, little town on a small island off Scotland's southwest coast. Both Islay and Port Ellen are known primarily for the Scotch distilleries associated with them. A police spokesperson said that initially police believed that the man's wounds had resulted from an accident, but doctors later became suspicious about the man's wounds. Presently rumours are being voiced around the island that the man was attacked. The man died in hospital care on Wednesday, October 3. A post-mortem examination is scheduled for today. If the man indeed was murdered, it will be the first murder on Ilsay for 30 years.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Chicago Reader Goes Tabloid

Oh, btw, this week The Chicago Reader gave itself a new format--that of a single-fold tabloid, reminiscent of The Sun Times or The New York Post. I, for one, had thought that The Reader's unique "three little sections folded inside of one slightly bigger section" format was pretty much the only cool thing left about it. On the other hand, a one-section tabloid will be way easier to clean up when your girlfriend leaves them all over your bedroom floor.

This Is Why Socialism Is Fucking Illegal

Venezuela President Hugo Chavez thinks that Venezuelans' high consumption of whisky is an example of the way consumerism harms society. According to the BBC, Venezuela is "one of the world's top importers of whiskey." In 2006, Venezuelans drank 106m bottles of Scotch whisky - almost four per person, and nearly 10% of all UK exports. Chavez has proposed to limit the amount of luxury goods that Venezuelans can import as a way to remedy the supposed over-consumption. OK; this is why socialism is bullshit. If someone told me I couldn't buy four bottles of whiskey per year, I'd be like "Get out of my house." I drank three fifths of Scotch last month, and if Karl Marx over here doesn't like that he can kiss it.

LL Gets Into The Halloween Spirit

Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a punkin patch recently, picking out a big ol' punkin to add some fall-time flair to her rehab cell. There was a cuter picture, where she was smiling, but it didn't have the big ol' punkin in it. I guess I'll just go ahead and say that I don't get her outfit--even as far as punkin-pickin' clothes go. What's with the silver-ass headband? And please--for the love of God--stop bleaching the shit out of your hair, Lindsay!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Crystal Lake Priest Sued For Defamation

Rev. Luis Alfredo Rios, a priest at CL's St. Thomas the Apostle Catholic Church (the one by Taco Bell) is being sued for defamation in McHenry County Circuit Court by a former parishoner, Mr. Angel R. Llavona. According to documents filed in the suit, the dispute began last year when Llavona left a message on Rios' answering machine, criticizing his homily: "I attended Mass on Sunday and I have seen poor homilies, but yesterday broke all records." Llavona further alleges that on Oct. 1, 2006, Rios played the recorded phone message from Llavona during a mass and asked parishioners if "we should send him to Hell or to another parish?" If Llavona thinks that's harsh, he should try going to an Evangelical Free Church!

Radiohead Are Such Kiss-Ass Fucking Hacks

Hey guys--guess what! You know you're favorite band--Radiohead?? Yeah I know you like them so much, and so does your nineteen year-old girlfriend, and her little sister too! You know what those guys are doing?? Did you hear they are coming out with a new album??(!) And they're like really modern and into like really faggy sci-fi futuristic bullshit? So they're so modern and totally ahead of their time that they're going to release their album ON THE INTERNET!!! And you know how much it's gonna cost??? NOTHING!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN JUST PAY WHATEVER YOU WANT AREN'T THOSE GUYS SO FUCKING COOL OH MY GOD IT'S SO SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS OF THEM TO GIVE YOU THEIR MUSIC FOR FREE EVEN THOUGH ITS NO BIG DEAL FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL FUCKING RICH SELLOUT ASSHOLES WHO ARE ONLY IN A BAND BECAUSE THEY'RE SO UGLY NO ONE WOULD FUCK THEM IF THEY WEREN'T IN A HUGE BAND FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Oak Park School Bans Hugs

Citing concerns that hugging might make students late for their class, and relying upon the common impression that children require no affection, a middle school in Oak Park, IL has banned hugging anywhere inside the school building. If observed hugging, the 860 students at Percy Julian Middle School will now, by school policy, be repeatedly reminded by school staff that they must always keep moving and that intimacy with one's peers is something that will always bring reprimand and shame.

Lohan And Pals Grace Skateboard Decks

Think skateboards is releasing new skateboard deck designs featuring the mugshots of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I want one. In related news, Lindsay is checking out of rehab for a visit to her dad, and I guess David Letterman went off on Paris Hilton on the air on Friday, which seems really unusual for him.