R.I.P. (The Other) Michael Jackson

Frank Coleman, Distilled Spirits Council Senior Vice President, filed a press release today announcing that celebrated spirits expert Michael Jackson died yesterday. The press release did not mention the cause of Mr. Jackson's death. Michael Jackson is a noted author and expert on spirits, especially whiskey. Jackson has published many painstakingly researched volumes on the subject for publishing houses like DK and Simon and Schuster, including Michael Jackson's Great Beers of Belgium, Ultimate Beer, The Complete Guide To Single Malt Scotch, and Whiskey: The Definitive World Guide, to name only a few. Jackson's absolutely essential Complete Guide To Single Malt Scotch is presently in its fifth edition, and Jackson's writings have earned him five Glenfiddich Food And Drink Awards. As a spirits expert, Jackson was absolutely peerless and his books betray not only a great expertise, but also a limitless zeal for the object of his work. Neither wikipedia, nor my copy of The Complete Guide offer any biographical information about Jackson.

Olsen To Star In New Bret Easton Ellis Movie

Dude--this is so badass. Ashley Olsen is going to star in a Hollywood adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' book The Informers. I haven't read The Informers, but I guess its a collection of vignettes set in LA circa 1983--sound cool enough yet? No? How about this: Ashley Olsen is going to play the part of a "a sexually promiscuous girl"! Bret Easton Ellis-tastic!

Research: Male Undergraduate Students Sacrifice Professional Opportunity For Love

Research conducted by faculty of Duke University Medical Center and The University of Albany challenges the prevailing stereotype that women tend to value relationships and men tend to value their personal achievements. The study, which focused on college-aged subjects, concluded that men were more likely than women to give priority to a romantic relationship when asked to choose between a relationship and their career, education and traveling. Researchers further opined that the study seemed to indicate that men, in contrast to women, derive more emotional support from their opposite-sex relationships than their same-sex friendships.

Brown-Forman's Profits Up, Stock Price Down

Louisville, KY-based liquor conglomerate Brown-Forman, best known for its portfolio of American whiskey brands, recorded a $95.4M profit during the three months ending July 31. That's a $.8M increase from last year's first quarter. The company attributes the success to the world-wide demand for its mainline brands such as Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey and the strong performance of its newer premium brands such as Woodford Reserve, which the company has promoted heavily this year. The value of Brown-Forman stock dipped this morning, however, because the first quarter earnings the company reported were lower than some analysts had expected.

In related news, British liquor conglomerate Diageo, which owns Guinness, as well as 26 Scotch distilleries, including Lagavulin, Oban, Talisker, Clynelish and Linkwood, reported a 22% drop in earnings for the first quarter--down to 1.49 billion pounds sterling--but Diageo stock is up a whole 2.2% this morning.

Research: 27-Year-Old Men Genetically Predisposed To Liking Lindsay Lohan

A team of researchers from Vienna University's No Duh Department recently went public with research that tends to show that men's preference for younger women is a result of evolution. Vienna U No Duh Department head, Professor Obvious opined that men who fuck younger women "maximize their of chances of reproducing." But here's something pretty interesting: apparently the optimum age difference for reproduction is six years. Perfect!

MSN Doesn't Know Shit About Sexy

For some reason, MSN's "men's page" today opted to perpetuate the myth that the sexiest women in the world are, oh--let's say about 37. Usually men's media doesn't play into this kind of cruel teasing meant only to flatter insecure 30-somethings into buying more shoes, sweets and shiraz. But, ladies, to make up for it I'm going to tell you something Godiva's marketers would never tell you: we'd all rather stick with 'Manda Bynes, or else go straight for Isabella Rossellini.

And I Got One Leg--Jealous?

The sex scene from I Know Who Killed Me was just posted on the internet like yesterday. Apparently even the dudes who pirate movies left the theatre before they got that far.

Man Dies In Sheriff's Custody

An inmate at Cook County Jail died yesterday. Sam Wright, 45, had been in custody at Cook County on possession charges since Sunday. Wright's cellmate alerted guards that Wright was unresponsive at about 3:00 PM Monday afternoon. When paramedics arrived, they opined that Wright was in cardiac arrest. Wright was pronounced dead at 3:35 p.m. in St. Anthony Hospital, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office.

Glenmorangie Workers Set To Strike

The staff of Glenmorangie Distillery has voted to strike in a dispute over shift assignments. Apparently management recently rearranged the worker's shift patterns and threatened to fire workers who did not comply with the new arrangement. The staff plans to strike as soon as they receive the go-ahead from their union. Glenmorangie, located near Tain, Scotland, is one of the nation's foremost distilleries, producing Scotland's most-consumed single malt whiskey.

Florida Students Disciplined For Exceeding Expectations

The latest in the grand American tradition of discouraging excellence is Golden Gate High School of Naples, Florida, which suspended a group of seniors for wearing blazers and ties to school. After the school adopted a khakis-and-oxford-shirt dress code for the 2007-2008 school year, one group of Golden Gate's graduating class decided to show off their senior spirit by dressing especially nice for school--wearing jackets and ties in addition to their khakis and button-up shirts. Administrators did not appreciate the students' enthusiasm. At Golden Gate High School the punishment for demonstrating excellence or a zeal for learning is an in-school suspension, during which students are not permitted to participate in the school's curriculum, do any classwork on their own, or do anything else that might have the effect of bettering themselves.

Don't Call It That

The Staten Island Advance ran a story today characterizing whiskey as "the new vodka." Apparently whiskey drinking is way up in SI, among women as well as men. I guess I would consider that a nice thing, except they decided to single out one of the least satisfying, most over-priced brands of whiskey as their poster child.

Lindsay Lohan A Lucky Girl

Los Angeles County prosecutors today announced that they would not be filing any felony charges against Lindsay Lohan in connection with her string of cocaine-fueled drunk driving incidents. Instead, prosecutors will be filing seven misdemeanor counts against Lindsay, including two counts of driving under the influence, a count of being under the influence of cocaine, and a count of reckless driving. Though numerous, the charges carry only a minimum of four days behind bars. Lohan's lawyer, Blair Burke, is supposedly working presently on a plea-bargain with prosecutors.

LL Photographed Hiking In Utah

Today photographs of Lindsay Lohan taking a brisk hike with her fellow rehabbers surfaced on the internet. Me rikey. In other news, LL was quoted in Maxim's tenth anniversary issue saying that she thinks of herself as sexy and that "my breasts have been a big hit." There have also been reports that LL wants to revive her "pop career" because no one wants to put her in movies right now.

Why You Shouldn't Wash Your Penis

A Uganda study has shown that men who wash their penis directly after sex run a significantly higher risk of HIV infection. Apparently the sooner after sex one washes, the higher the likelihood of infection. According to the study, men who washed more than 10 minutes after sex are significantly less likely to be infected with HIV.

Hotter Than Lindsay Lohan?

Like that's even possible. I went to see Superbad this morning, which I highly recommend. It just goes to show that American Graffiti is such a great movie that it can stand yet another retelling. The super fucking hot, super likable female lead, Emma Stone, seemed so familiar to me. Then it dawned on me: she played the foul-mouthed wild-child daughter Shannon on that one episode of "Lucky Louie." She looks kind of like LL, only she's got doe eyes and a slight lisp. Plus, isn't it great that post-2005 the women in pop culture are allowed to be likable again?

Would You Hit It?

It was announced today that Jenna Bush is getting married--to some stooge who worked at the White House, under Karl Rove. For those of you who don't know, Jenna Bush, aged 25, is fantastically wealthy, a Longhorns fanatic, and has a drinking problem. So this kind of got me thinking: she's right up my alley, right? And as you can see here, she's a real looker, at least in a Texas way, and apparently she's pretty uninhibited. There's just one catch: her father's even more pathological and criminal that Lindsday Lohan's. Plus, my boss says that Jenna's cut of the family money wouldn't even be that much--maybe something like 200M, and you'd have to pay me so much more than that to marry a Republican.

LL Takes A Break From Rehab, Gets Tan

Today photos of Lindsay Lohan out and about in Sundance, Utah surfaced on the internet. Reportedly, Lindsay went out for a walk with a handler and got a spray-on tan. Good for her--plus I love those little orange palms of hers. Her dad is apparently freaked out about her being able to leave the rehab premises, but fuck that guy; he's always been an a-hole.

Looking At Girls Outlawed In California

Jack McClellan is behind bars in California right now, even though no one can figure out what law--if any--he has broken. He was ticketed earlier this week for "tresspassing" on public property on the UCLA campus and later jailed when it became clear that he was near some young girls--perhaps even looking at them! While legal experts rack their brains to figure out if McClellan has done anything wrong at all, men everywhere must make absolutely sure that they never look at any girl who isn't yet 18, dismayed mothers are destroying all photographic depictions of their children, and McClellan sits in jail.

8 Diagrams Release Date Set

The Wu-Tang Clan is set to release their new LP 8 Diagrams on November 12, 2007. Music press is going crazy because the Wu is going to cover "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," with George Harrison's son Dhani Harrison in tow. Sounds like bullshit to me!

Staple Whiskey Of Prohibition Era Returns To Chicago

Templeton Rye--a brand steeped in history--was (re-)launched in Templeton, Iowa last year by one Scott Bush. The town of Templeton, Iowa was famous during the Prohibition for the whiskey produced illicitly there; apparently Templeton whiskey had a reputation for high quality. The product had a devoted Chicago following and supposedly was purchased in large quanities by Al Capone. So far the new, legit whiskey business has been a success in Templeton: Bush sold every bottle of whiskey that they bottled last year. The new business and its backers--almost exclusively senior citizens from Iowa--will be throwing a big bash in Chicago to celebrate the brand's return to its original primary market.

Why Do Women Kill Their Husbands?

Because they know they'll only have to serve about six months, and they're really tired of having to fuck in heels.

Wall Street Journal Praises Classic Scotch Brand

The Wall Street Journal ran a story celebrating the classic Sheep Dip brand of blended Scotch on Saturday. Sheep Dip is a brand that garnered a cult following in the 1970's, due mainly to its high quality: it is a blend only of single malts, without any of the Everclear-like grain alcohol which makes up about 65% of most blends. After dissappearing for over a decade, The Sheep Dip brand was resurrected earlier this year, to some fanfare. The Journal's take on all this is that resurrecting old brands is good business because of the "residual value" of the old brand's built-in image and consumer base.

New 200% Tax Devastates Scotch Sales In Bombay

On July 10th the Maharashtra state government slapped a 200% tax on foreign spirits, and the effects on Scotch consumption in Bombay have been devastating. India is the world's largest whiskey market, and typically 30%-40% of Indian whiskey consumption happens in Maharashtra. The Scotsman reported over the weekend that not a single bottle of Scotch had been sold in Bombay since the tax increase. Commentators have opined that the tax will be a boon to Indian bootleggers and smugglers; apparently as it stands 90% of the foreign spirits sold in India are smuggled and sold on the black market, sans taxes.

Daley: Only 24 Currently Homeless in Chicago

The City of Chicago is presently making the absurd claim that only 24 homeless people live "downtown." One advocate group estimates the number of Chicago homeless at something more like 21,078.

Oops--Pretend You Didn't Hear That

Rapist Tiffany King needs to be more discreet. The 19 year-old Lincoln, Nebraska woman, who prefers the company of 'tween boys, was riding around in her purple Dodge Neon with three 14 year-olds on July 22. At one point in the evening the object of her desire exited the vehicle, and she confided in the other two that “I’ll rape him if he doesn’t have sex with me.” Or at least that's what the affidavit the boys swore out for her arrest says. Later the two boys left King to go skateboarding, and they claim to have observed King making it with their friend in her car during the time they were gone. Statutory rape is a law that's hardly ever enforced--mainly just when a girl turns up pregnant or when a 14 year old boy gets scared shitless because a women tells him she's going to rape his friend. Tiffany King is presently awaiting trial on charges of first degree sexual assault.

Have Fun Getting Married, Fag!

British press is reporting that women prefer men with feminine features when looking for a long-term mate. The report is based on research conducted at The University of St. Andrews, Scotland. Researchers had women view a variety of images of faces of men with varying degrees of masculine and feminine features and asked them to identify which ones they'd like to commit to and which ones they'd rather just roll around with for awhile. Women apparently prefer men with more masculine features as short-term partners and prefer more sissy-looking guys as husbands.

OK; You Need To Take Care Of This.

Not only is Lindsay Lohan totally addicted to coke, an alcoholic, and, now, a bad actress: Sources close to Lindsay are now voicing suspicions that she may be...with child? She must really be determined to end her career!

Cops Kill Another Kid In Chicago

Last night a Chicago Police officer shot a teenager dead in Lawndale, leading to what amounted to a small riot as the kid's neighbors heard about the incident. Cops blocked off a four-block area, used pepper spray on some protesters, and even broke a journalist's camera. As for the shooting, the Chicago Police Department is sticking to the trusty old "we thought he had a gun" explanation.

Guys: Like Black Chicks?

Mainstream media all over the place is reporting that African American women are increasingly choosing to "date out," or, in other words, to date white dudes. The real question is how long we have to wait for all of those small penis jokes to peter out.

Sexual Torture Preferred Means Of Eliminating HIV-Inducing Witches In Papua New Guinea

Papua New Guinea is presently facing an AIDS catastrophe, accounting for 90 percent of HIV infections in the entire Oceania region. HIV diagnoses have risen there by around 30 percent every year since 1997, leaving an estimated 60,000 people living with the disease in 2005. The source of the disease's prodiguous rise in PNG is clear: the rampant practice of witchcraft among local women. Although a high level of sexual violence perpetrated against Papa New Guinea's female population has been identified as a major source of the HIV epidemic, presently a preferred method of combating the disease among PNG's population is sexual torture of the predominantly female witch community. One source estimates there have been more than 500 such attacks in PNG during the past year.

Lohan's Fed Up Parents Ship Her To Sundance, Utah To Be Straightened Out By Disciplinarian Grandmother

Fed up with their daughter's relentless boozing and carousing, Lindsay Lohan's parents have shipped her to the Cirque Lodge in Sundance, Utah to dry out under the watchful eye of Lindsay's strict grandmother. Lindsay currently faces multiple charges stemming from alleged substance abuse, including two DUI charges and two charges for possession of cocaine. Lindsay's parents, at their wits' end, hope that spending time with her family's strong-willed Utahan matriarch is just what Lindsay needs to whip her into shape in time to metriculate at Vassar. Let's just hope she doesn't go down on some Mormon boy in a paddle boat and seduce her stepdad again while she's out there!

The Next Time One Of Your Female Peers Complains That It's "A Boys' Club" Yell "Bullshit!" At Her

A few days ago The New York Times and other mainstream media outlets confirmed what has been obvious to men in my generation all of their lives: that the fact that our female peers have always been given more resources, more support, more money for education and more opportunities will inevitably mean they will earn more as young adults. The fact that their parents are still paying for their car insurance only makes the gap more pronounced!

Witches Precipitate Rise In HIV In Mozambique

A community of practicing witches--mainly elderly women--are believed to be associated in the rise of fatal cases of HIV and AIDS in the African nation of Mozambique. Those identified as witches are frequently "kicked out of their families" and shunned by the community. Authorities have further linked a string of violent killings in Mozambique with practitioners of witchcraft, claiming that the murders have been perpetrated in order to sell human remains for use in rituals. Although Mozambican authorities do not yet have a handle on the situation, locals have contained practitioners of witchcraft in their communities by means of lynchings and arson. One man accused of practicing witchcraft is pictured above, standing next to his burned home.

Paulina James To Portray Lindsay Lohan In Upcoming Adult Film

Paulina James may not be the most fresh-faced porn starlet around, but, admittedly, she looks a lot less busted than Lindsay Lohan does these days. So James will have to trash herself up and string herself out in the coming months because she's been "tapped" to portray the troubled LL in a "forthcoming" adult film entitled Lindsay HoHand: Get Out of My F*#k!ng Way. The movie is due for release in October.

And, on a personal note, you won't be hearing as much about Lindsay Lohan's exploits here at The Avondale; it just isn't any fun anymore.