Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Finally Michael Lohan Says Something I Can Agree With

While being interviewed about his role as Joseph in some New York live nativity scene, Michael Lohan made one remark of timeless wisdom that will live on in the hearts of LL fanatics for ages: "Jesus can't compare to Lindsay." Amen.

Today's LL Too Gay To Function Story Brought To You By Page Six

Today the New York Post's Page Six ran a story claiming that Lindsay Lohan has been strutting around LA hand in hand with her new lover/cohabitor Courtenay Semel, daughter of Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel. Supposedly the happy couple have been living together for about a month, so idk if this is the "friend" at whose abode LL has been hiding since she left rehab or what.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

LL Dating Sober Man, Roughly Her Age

I'm not sure if I should be relieved or disappointed about this, but Lindsay Lohan is now dating some "Malibu designer" who claims to be only 24--and sober. His name is Spencer Guilbert. A wikipedia search turned up nothing.

Lohan Trades Interview For Hanna Montana Tickets

So I guess Lindsay called in to some Las Vegas AM talk radio show in order to score Hanna Montana tickets for the children of some friends of hers. During the brief interview that ensued, LL said her favorite fast food is McDonald's (good choice!) and she's currently in the studio working on her new album, which will be more "urban pop" than the last one (huh). She also said that her favorite TV guilty pleasure is "A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila"--apparently a really weird twist on the reality dating show genre that stars the erstwhile host of "Pants Off Dance Off."

Tuesday, December 11, 2007 Adds New "Alcohol" Tab, the web presence of a leading news source in Scotland has added a new topical link to its sidebar. Yep, "Alcohol" will now be displayed as a link next to the other important issues for Scots--perhaps very appropriately situated between "Scottish Independence" and "Terrorism."

Monday, December 3, 2007

Guess Who's Single!

Boo-yah! Lindsay Lohan is back on the market after dumping professional loser Riley Giles. If you've been reading the tabloids, you know that Riley wasn't on his best behavior over the Thanksgiving holiday he spent with the Lohan clan in NYC. Guess Lindsay needs to find a guy she can bring home to mom. Aw...(*sniffle*)...she's growing up.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Take The I Know Who Killed Me Challenge!

See if you can get through the opening scene without rolling your eyes! See if you can get through the torture scenes without puking! See if you can get through the entire movie with any residual respect for LL! Sony Pictures' I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan will hit store shelves tomorrow, just in time to make a nice Christmas present for that Lohanophile in your life. I'd mock the movie and give you all kinds of spoilers, but I couldn't make it through the first half hour. Ladies: do you know a guy who just seems to give Lindsay Lohan too much credit? Is your man a closet LL fanatic? Get him to watch this movie, and he'll revile her just as much as you do--until he sees the blowjob scene in Georgia Rule, and immediately returns to being her # 1 fan!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Killed U of C Student To Be Awarded Degree Posthumously

Amadou Cisse, an international student completing his Ph.D. degree in chemistry at the University of Chicago, was shot and killed at 1:26 a.m. Monday in the street near 6120 S. Ellis Ave--only one block from the University's campus. Cisse had successfully defended his doctoral dissertation on November 1, and was scheduled to receive his degree at Convocation on December 7. The University will award his degree posthumously. In addition to that fatal shooting, there were two other incidents on or near the U of C campus that very hour. At 12:33 a.m. at 6045 Woodlawn, a man was chased by an individual who fired a shot in his direction. At 1:15 a.m., two women were robbed at 924 E. 57th St. by an individual who said he had a weapon. Police are investigating whether or not these incidents are related. The University of Chicago is reputed to have the second largest private police force in the country, and University officials say they are presently increasing police patrols on campus in response to these incidents.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Swedish Feminists To Desexualize The Breast

A group of Swedish feminists calling themselves Just Breasts are mounting a civil disobedience campaign aimed to make it legal for women to go topless in Sweden. In other words, they are showing their boobies at various public beaches and pools as they swim in bottoms-only bathing suits. I know that sounds pretty cool, but you really have to read the fine print with these things: the group's stated goal is to make women's breasts "as normal and desexualised as men's, so that we too can pull off our shirts at football matches." Women: could you please take pity on a wretched creature and not take this one thing away from me?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Does Hard Time

Today the Los Angeles Times reported that LL spent a day in jail yesterday as part of her sentence for her drunk driving conviction. Devoted readers will recall that Lohan racked up two DUIs last summer, the second of which saw her chasing a car all the way to the parking lot of a police station. Both times, cociane was involved. In August, LL pleaded no contest to both DUI charges in exchange for a sentence of one day in jail and an amount of community service. Apparantly Lohan served her day in jail yesterday, which, actually, consisted of about 84 minutes, during which Red was photographed, fingerprinted and put in a holding cell, alone.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

AEM Bargain Bin Selection #1: Soft Cell's Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret

Reckless Records, $1.99. You may think that New Wave, the gay dance club scene and MDMA are out of fashion, but they're probably all on the verge of a huge come-back. Still that's not enough to get Reckless Records to move Soft Cell's first and best album from the bargain bin back into their normal stock. Soft Cell was formed in 1980 by Marc Almond and David Ball after the two met at Leeds Polytechnic Fine Arts University. Born of the New Romantic movement in British pop, the band was branded as part of the futurist pop scene embodied by bands like The Human League and OMD. But Soft cell's schtick had a decidedly darker tone that struck a chord with what became the Goth scene. Soft Cell's first LP, Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret is an unapologetic sleezefest, right from the sleezy, neon-lit title--its subject matter consisting exclusively of the glamorization of an obscene, drug-addled nightlife and the mockery of those too square to partake in it. Soft Cell's career was quite short-lived--much like most of their New Romantic-era peers, I guess. The band is basically known for its hit cover of "Tainted Love," the controversy over the photographs used to promote its "Sex Dwarf" song/concept, and its over-use of MDMA. That, however, doesn't mean this album doesn't kick ass! Happy bargain-binning!

Entertainment Weekly: Why Sixteen Candles Rules

Check it out--this is so awesome! Entertainment Weekly ran this story recently about why Sixteen Candles is better than Pretty In Pink. It is so true! Why do so many people like Pretty In Pink so much? Sixteen Candles totally blows it away. Farmer Ted! Jake Ryan! Underwear! Rolls Royces! I'm gonna have a fit just thinking about it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

U.S. Gov't: Fuck You, I Have To Pay For This War

According the CNN, the total cost of the wars in Iraq and Afganistan has now reached 1.6 Trillian. Yes, that's Trillian. In other words, we have collectively paid out $1,600,000,000,000.00, for the wars and that's just so far. So, why, in God's name, can't the government help me with my totally debilitating student loans? Or do something so I don't have to pay a new tax on every bottle of Old Grand Dad I buy in order to forget about my student loans? You know, if we would just wage $100 billion worth of war, we could pay for a first class education for every American with the other $1.5 trillion.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Why We're Converting To Satanism

The World Changer's Church, a non-denominational Christian "mega church" in Atlanta bought its minister, the Rev. Creflo Dollar, a Rolls Royce this year. How could the church spend so much on an automobile? Well, it took in $69,000,000.00 tax free dollars in 2006.

Fox News Now Covering Lindsay's Tits

Although apparently she isn't covering them particularly well herself. Fox News today published a story discussing the visibility fof LL's nips (pictured here) as Red went out to dinner *gasp* without a bra last Thursday. I used to have to resort to Defamer and its ilk for that kind of web stalker stuff. Fox's story also included an almost touching yarn about how a grown man had broken down crying as he had his picture taken with Lindsay at H&M. The source said the guy was "about 50," so I'll presume he was something like 35. She's like the meloncholy beauty of cherry blossoms, LL.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Modest Proposal: Kill Your iPod.

Yesterday I went record shopping with my friend B. He took me over to Lake View to go to Grammaphone, and then we went down to Dusty Groove. To be honest, I haven't really gone record shopping in a long time. Like in four years. I've mainly been getting my music either by researching sort of ironically obscure British pop groups that sound like the Style Counsel and buying their CDs used through Amazon for like $1.99, or by taking stuff from my friends' iTunes. At first I found the record shopping experience to be monotonous. And even when I did find something interesting, I found myself wanting to be able to consult wikipedia to make sure it was worth buying. I stood somewhat bemusedly as B. made use of one of the many beat up Technics 1200 MK2s, briefly listening to each of his potential selections--what a painstaking way to decide whether to buy something, right? How old-fashioned.

Maybe an hour into our browsing at the second record store, my attitude made a 180. As I flipped through the weathered, slightly mildewed used LPs at Dusty Groove I was overwhelmed by how many great options there were--and even more by how many of them I would have never considered listening to, how many of them I was totally unaware of. These weren't particularly obscure records; and they were of genres that I know something about. Oh, shit: I've never even heard an EPMD song. I didn't even know about this Paul Chambers album, and why did I never buy Coltrane's Lush Life in high school? Huh; I don't own any Cat Stevens records--weird. I selected three jazz LPs for which I would pay retail price, then I turned to the rather extensive bargain bin. I selected about 10 more LPs from the bargain bin--almost all of which were albums that I would have paid full price for. I was stunned. And as I thought about what happened that day, I decided that the practice of treating iTunes as my primary source of music for several years fucked me really bad. Ten years ago I was the kind of kid who would spend a total of 20 hours scouring every record shop in London just to find a Marine Girls album (true story). By the time I was in my 3L year in law school, I didn't even set up my stereo or unpack my CDs and LPs, because I assumed that the 500 or so songs on my iTunes would be enough for any scenario.

Today I spent most of the day organizing my record collection. The jazz LPs I bought yesterday had given me a little record collecting fever, and I wanted to take stock of what I had to make sure I didn't buy any duplicates. I was surprised in several ways by what I found, for instance: (1) I don't have nearly as many albums as I thought I had. I mean, not all of them are here; some of them are at my parents' house or in boxes, or whatever--but come on; I have like 40 jazz albums in my bed room. What the fuck is that? I have more Stooges albums than Cannonball Adderley albums, and I don't even like The Stooges. What's even worse is (2) I have tons of really good albums that I haven't listened to in like 7 years--or maybe not at all--apparently just because I never put any tracks from them on iTunes, and then I forgot I had them. We're talking like four star albums by my favorite musicians. Everything But the Girl, Kieth Murray and shit.

In short, iTunes has seriously fucked up the way we experience music. It's turned music into a totally ephemeral (not to mention value-less) thing that we experience in only the most compulsory way. And it's given us musical tunnel-vision, making us forget about the myriad possibilities there are, beyond what's presently available on Lime Wire. Today it dawned on me in a new way exactly how rewarding it is to stand by that old 1200 MK2 spinning a slightly scratchy LP; how human it is to be able to hold that LP, write your name on the slip cover with a Sharpie next to the name of the person who owned it before you; how rich of an experience it is to listen to a song in the context of the album it was written for, rather than in the white, iTunes vacuum. If this is starting to make any sense to you, I implore you, go to a bargain bin and buy whatever Peter Paul and Mary LP you can find for 50 cents, listen to it popping on your record player, and think about how decades ago people enjoyed music in a way you haven't in years. It's going to sound so much better than your iPod shuffle.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

NY Post: Lohan To Appear On "Ugly Betty"

Several sources on the shadier side, including The New York Post, are reporting that there have been discussions of Lindsay Lohan guest starring in an episode of "Ugly Betty." Supposedly LL is going to play a "fallen beauty queen who takes over as the manager of the fast food restaurant where Betty Suarez's father works," so it's another one of those "art imitating life" things.

MSNBC: LL's Car For Sale On Ebay

A few weeks ago we informed you that Lindsay Lohan is broke-ass broke. Well, now her old Mercedes is for sale on Ebay. How do we know? According to MSNBC, the plates match the Mercedes that LL crashed into a tree in May.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

No Duh: Most Paid Nothing For Radiohead Album

How did the entire editorial staff of every NPR station in the country not see this coming? When Radiohead revolutionized the entire universe of rock music by releasing its new album In Rainbows on the internet in October, allowing people simply to "pay what they want" for the thing, for weeks fucking NPR kept playing clips of self-described "musicians" saying they were going the pay $100 for it because Radiohead is that important, man! According to the BBC, it looks like about 2/3 of those who "purchased" the album online opted to pay absolutely nothing. All you guys who got the album for free: I'll do you one better, I'll pay you twenty bucks if you promise never to play the album for me.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

IL School Now Disciplining Students For Hugging

Dedicated readers may recall our coverage of the Oak Park, IL, school that made a policy of constantly reminding students that they should not hug each other, but stopped short of actually disciplining students for doing so. Well, the administrators of Illinois schools have now taken their conviction that children deserve no affection one step farther. Administrators at Mascoutah Elementary School in Mascoutah, IL, have issued two detentions to one Megan Coulter, 13, pictured here, for violating the school's ban on all public displays of appreciation for one's peers. The school's ban on such displays began this school year. Megan, clearly a brash and hardened ne'er-do-well, will serve the second of the detentions today, and will continue to be disciplined by school administrators until she can learn to keep all of her humane impulses a secret.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

I'm Engaged!!! :-)

Just wait until you meet her. She's soooo perrrfeeect! She's like really cute and has a dimple in her chin and her hair's a little wierd, but we can pay someone to straighten it out--Oh and she's an angel! Check it out: I met her on the beach. She just walked up and started talking to me and it was like magical from the first second. And then we drank 14 bottles of really good Island and West Highland whisky that she had, and then I guess we had sex because the next thing I knew I had a wicked hangover and God was giving me this man-to-man talk about how I had to "make this right" or whatever. That was when I really knew. "Whoa, bro; she really is an angel," said I. "Uh, yeah," said God. "So she's like magical, right?" "Well, I don't--" "So she can like, magically create bottles of whiskey?" "Well, yes, but I don't see what--" "Fuck it man; I'm in. I love her."

I'm just kidding, but, seriously--what kind of genius thought up this promotion? "Yeah...we're gonna need...a bottle of each of those whiskys...and a moderately attractive girl from in town who has hair like Don King with bedhead...and some pajamas...and...some fluffy shit and we're good. Oh fuck, boys--yeah; we forgot to bring the ocean again."

Saturday, November 3, 2007

It Is OK/It's Not OK: Ballet Toes And Women's Clothes

I usually really don't like the "I can do this, but you can't" attitude that people generally tend to have, but this morning, as I stood in a long-ass line at Sultan's Market in Wicker Park, the things I observed solidified something that I have always kind of sensed: that, like Raskolnikov, the rules that govern the lives of my peers just don't apply to me. To wit:

(1) It is OK for me as a poor law student in 2005 to search high and low for patent leather Coach ballet slippers and spend a shit load of money to buy them for my girlfriend in some Gift Of The Magi-like display of how hot I think she is. It's not OK for every female Wicker Park hipster clone to wear the same cheap-ass red cotton ballet slippers with their uniform of coin-slot-showing low-rise stretch jeans with the inseams that are exactly one inch too long and their haircuts that actually were done by the only blind, epileptic painting student they go to Columbia with.

(2) It is OK for me as a poor high school student in 1995 to buy women's clothes at The Salvation Army because they fit me better than the men's clothes. It's not OK for 28 year-old male Wicker Park hipsters to wear undersized maroon 3/4-length leather jackets clearly tailored for a female figure while they and their beard wait in line at Sultan's Market with their teenaged art student girlfriends.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Westboro Baptist Church Hit With $2.9M Verdict

Westboro Baptist Church--that bastion of temperate wisdom that brought you stuck with a $2.9 million dollar verdict from a jury in federal court in Baltimore, MD, today. And that doesn't include any punitive damages the jury may decide to award. The Westboro Baptist Church is a tight-knit group of seething hate-mongers, mainly made up of the blood relatives of its leader Fred Phelps. Needless to say, the group, known for its absurd website and its embarrassing, inappropriate public protests--which often include some amount of audience baiting--is a disgrace to all Baptists. Albert Snyder of York, PA, sued these psychos after they protested the funeral of his son, a marine, as a part of the group's recent campaign of picketing the funerals of random armed forces personnel as a way of agitating against the military's failure to actively purge itself of all homosexuals. Albert Snyder: 1, Westboro Baptist Church: -2,900,000.00.

The Dopest Celebratory Adjective Ever

I think that instead of using the words "sick" or "tight" to mean "cool," we should go back to using the word "fly" to mean "cool," like everybody did in 1990.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Oh Shit: "White Oprah" Starts Filming Reality Show

Dina Lohan, the self-proclaimed "White Oprah" is finally going to get that reality show she's being harping about for what seems like an eternity. The show will star Dina and Ali Lohan, AKA Lil' Lohan, and, according to Dina the show will demonstrate how functional the Lohan family really is and how much of a hard-working, successful, non-kids' money scamming woman Dina really is. E! is filming the show, but I imagine that's no guarantee the channel will ever air the thing. Let's hope they do though, just so we can all sneek a look into Lindsay Lohan's horrifying homelife.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Public Opinion: Crying Men Are OK, Crying Women Are Creepy

Today CNN opined that viewers' reactions to public figures crying depends in large part on the public figure's gender. Perhaps counter-intuitively, people react much more favorably when men cry. Apparently, it is perceived that a man is crying because he apprecietes the gravity of a situation, and that a women is just blubbering for trivial reasons.

Canadian Club Launches Most Bad-Ass Ad Campaign Ever

Canadian Club, a whiskey that was highly favored by American drinkers decades ago, just launched an ad campaign that aspires to make CC a big-name brand again. But that isn't the end of the campaign's ambitions. Developed by advertising agency Energy BBDO of Chicago, this is Canadian Club's first national ad compaign in twenty years. The rather unique ads utilize a series of celebratory snap shots from the 1970's and posit a time of free-spirited--if a bit tame, non-threatening and run-of-the-mill--hedonism that today's younger alcohol consumers never experienced first-hand. Aimed exclusively at men (tagline: "Damn right your dad drank it") the ads are, of course, a welcome change from the metrosexual/neo-heroin chic masculinty monolith we've been stuck with recently. But I think they go even farther than that--inviting the consumer to ponder what kind of man he is becoming and why. I admit it's pretty Warhol-ian to think that advertising is more inspiring than, say, church. But, either way, you have to admit that this is one impressive attempt to reinvigorate an almost forgotten brand.

Lindsay "Broke-Ass" Lohan Contractually Obliged To Host Lame LV New Year's Party

A Las Vegas nightclub, inexplicably named after Los Angeles airport LAX, is compelling LL to host a New Year's party there. How could anyone be obligated to celebrate their favorite holiday at a sleezy Las Vegas meat-market? Well, Lindsay accepted a few hundred grand from LAX in exchange for the press the club would get when she would host her 21st b-day party there. Then she flaked out, or got arrested, or whatever. But here's the twist ending: LL is so brokester right now, she doesn't have enough money to pay LAX back. So she has to yawn her way through New Year's Eve in some bar she doesn't even want to be in--all the while trying her damndest not to drink any liquor or snort any coke!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Leading Blend To Change Image

Teacher's blended Scotch whisky is set to change it's emblem to the one pictured here, which simply makes use of the image of the whisky's namesake and its "Full Flavor" motto. Teacher’s is a premium blended Scotch whisky, although the brand is much more prominent in the UK than it is in the states. The brand is known for its exceptionally high malt content. Guaranteed at 45 per-cent malt, the blend's proportion of malt to neutral spirits is amongst the highest of any blend. Teacher’s was first blended in Glasgow in the 1830s. The blend was recently recognised by the prestigious International Spirits Challenge 2007, picking up a bronze award for blended Scotch whisky.

What's The Opposite Of Metrosexuality?

I predict that in the future women will have to dress as if they were butch lesbians to be considered cool, and heterosexual men will only be sexually attracted to women they think are gay.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Newsflash: Men Like To Fuck Feminists

We've been hiding it pretty well for decades now, but today Yahoo news let the cat out of the bag: men think feminists are really hot--maybe even as hot as women who don't mind subjugation. What's more, men love fucking feminists and all other women who respect themselves and hold themselves to high standards--even those that have superiority complexes--because it's so much more fun to listen to women like that beg for it. But seriously--pat yourself on the back, young feminist. Thinking that you are as important as anybody else is nothing to be embarrassed about. No matter what people say, men admire your self-respect, they think you're at least pretty cute, and, if you loose the glasses, they will fuck you whenever you want.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dalai Lama Forsakes Monk's Vows To Accept Giant Golden Penny From President

The Dalai Lama turned his back on the traditional Buddhist vow not to handle money today when he accepted a giant, solid-gold penny from George W. Bush. Bush recently announced his decision to honor Mr. Lama with the Congressional Gold Medal as a way of showing how much the President appreciates the Tibetan spiritual leader's status as a "universal symbol of peace and tolerance"--whatever that means. According to wikipedia, the Congressional Gold Medal is the highest civilian award which may be bestowed by the United States Congress. The decoration may be awarded to any individual who performs an outstanding deed or act of service to the security, prosperity, and national interest of the United States. The honoree need not be an American citizen. What a meaningless gesture--especially for a President who is presently waging several wars, even despite the objections of Congress. The President's bad faith aside, in my humble opinion this is only one step less crazy than awarding Al Gore a Nobel Peace Prize for giving a power point presentation in front of a camera. Anyway, I hope the Dalai Lama enjoys wearing that thing pinned to the breast of his tuxedo jacket the next time he goes to the opera with his 23 year-old actress girlfriend.

Research: Soy Lowers Sperm Count

I'm not sure if this means dudes should eat more or eat less tofu, but researchers at Harvard's medical school think that eating soy products lowers sperm count. Apparently, soya foods contain high amounts of certain compounds that mimic the effects of oestrogen in the body. Men who eat just half a serving of soya a day have drastically fewer sperm than those who do not consume such foods, according to a small, preliminary study performed by researchers at Harvard. Of course, soya industry shills caution that the new findings contradict earlier studies that have shown no impact on sperm count from soya-based products.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Rape Charges Filed Out Of Embarassment

LL: Brother, Could You Spare A Dime?

A few weeks ago I was talking to my friend Jason and he gave me this really fishy look when I casually opined that celebrities aren't really that rich compared to people who are actually rich--and who really gives a shit how much money someone makes if they just waste it all? Well, Jason, here's Ms. case in point:

Lindsay Lohan may look like a million bucks these days, but she's broke--at least according to the British tabloid press. How is that possible? I'll give you a hint: $700,000.00 in tanning bills alone. Plus there's the small matter of the legal fees she's paying for her myriad of cases, both civil and criminal. Hm... How much do you think she spends on blow every day?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Delaware Travelogue

I'm at my grandfather's house in Wilmington right now. I flew here to celebrate my grandfather's 80th birthday with him and some extended family. As my brother pointed out to me earlier today, this house is the one location that has stayed constant throughout our lives, as I, my brother, our parents, and my father's siblings' families have all repeatedly moved to new homes all across the country.

I flew into Philadelphia Saturday afternoon, where my aunt and my brother picked me up. On the way to Wilmington we stopped in Elsmere to get subs at Casapulla's, a deli that was a family favorite during my childhood in DE, and since then has become like a legendary and venerable icon of our Reagan 80's childhood, living in newly-built subdivisions, surrounded by the families of Italian bankers transplanted from New York to fill positions at the burgeoning MBNA. My brother and I resolved to split a 12" Italian sub with oil and vinegar, "everything," plus pickles and sweet peppers, and a 6" cheesesteak with grilled onions and mushrooms--and sweet peppers. Back at the house, everybody kept repeating the obvious--that it was impossible to get an Italian sub this good west of the Allegheny.

Saturday night my brother and I went to a birthday dinner for my grandfather at a seafood place in downtown Wilmington, near the train station with my aunt, my uncle from Orange County, and my uncle from New York and his family. The place was big conglomerate of restaurants where downtown wearhouses used to be, and it reminded me of the flats in Cleveland. There we all grinned encouragingly at my uncle from NY's daughter who, at age 16, politely declines to eat practically anything besides french fries, speghetti or boiled white rice. She's the first blonde blood member of our family of brown-eyed Scots, and we seem to agree that she's smarter than all of us (she is) and should be able to do whatever she wants.

That night my brother and I sat up together here at my grandfather's house, hours after everybody else had gone to sleep, drank enough coffee for it to be mind-altering, and talked about how awesome it is that this house--and to a great extent this whole town--hasn't changed at all since we were young children. The same 2" blue pinbacks that read "Reagan For President" and "Reagan Bush" are stuck to corkboard in the laundry room; the family still eats at Casapulla's and The Charcoal Pit (sort of the Chicago's Pizza and El Cid of Wilmington, DE) whenever possible; and--believe it or not--they are still doing the same construction on the Philadelphia airport they were doing when we were in grade school.

This morning I slept in as my uncle from NY steadily corralled his family into their car so that he could get them back to Battery Park before he had to fly to LA for business. I moved into the back bedroom--where they had been before they packed up--and fell asleep, feeling somewhat guilty becuase I had promised my grandfather I would take him to church. When I finally did get up--after 12 noon--my brother was famished, so I drove him around the corner to The Charcoal Pit. I hadn't been there since I was maybe 7 or 8, but my brother ate there yesterday or Friday. We ate the huge burgers at our little table by a little table-side juke box and I imagined that the teen girls who waited the tables were the kind of girls I would have been attracted to if I had stayed in DE and gone to Tatnall. My brother--a transplant to New York--was bemoaning how this is supposed to be the last season for Coney Island, and someone is supposed to turn the place into a Nickelodean-themed amusement park.

When my brother and I got back to my grandfather's house, my uncle from Orange County and my aunt had just arrived with coffee and with a sub from Wa Wa (a convenience store common in DE). My brother and were skeptical about buying a sub from a convenience store, but my uncle assured us that a convenience store sub in DE was still way better than any sub you can get in Orange County. Later in the afternoon my brother become determined to get subs at Casapulla's again. So we drove to Elsmere, but once we got there Casapulla's was closed. Now quite hungry, we racked our brains for dining options in this town we haven't lived in since the age of 10. Finally, it dawned on me that Pat's Pizzeria, which was right on the way back to the house, makes a pretty good Italian sub.

Earlier this evening, with my uncle from Orange County as my co-pilot, I drove my brother to the train station in Wilmington to put him on a train back to NYC. Since we arrived early we sat with him on the platform and my uncle told us a hilarious story about the time he blew out the engine in his VW Bug driving from Evanston to West LaFayette, IN while my uncle was going to Northwestern and my dad to Purdue. As we put my brother on the train, I told my uncle how much I hate Amtrak, but I was struck by how this old town where I grew up is so easily connected to New York by train and Chicago by air and that in some way this location can still be central in our family's collective life, even when almost none of us live here.

Friday, October 12, 2007

LL To Be "Playboy Bunny"?

Not like that--although that would be so awesome (and is probably inevitable), but rather Lindsay Lohan is being considered to play a Playboy Bunny in a forthcoming biopic on Hugh Hefner.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I Just Solved All Of Your Romantic Problems

By showing you this website. You know how you're always like, "The only thing wrong with all the guys I meet is that they aren't millionaires"? I've got a whole website full of 'em, baby. And they're not just any millionaires; they're the kind of millionaires that can't get a date without going through a special dating site for millionaires. I'm never using Jdate again.

Womankind, You've Finally Made It!

We all know that the only things women give a shit about are clubbing and babies. Now they can have both at the same time. That's right, an auteur in Tucson, AZ has opened Baby Club Congress--the latest (and surely not last) in a trend of baby-friendly nightclubs that has spread across the US. And yes, you can drink there. But I'm guessing you won't meet any cute guys.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Welcome Back, Lindsay! Now It's Time To Boogie!

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Now hopefully she can stay out of LA. LL spent a month in rehab at the posh Cirque Lodge facility in Park City, Utah after a bizarre episode this summer in which she got really drunk and coked up, then chased a car all the way to a police station parking lot. Now that she's out of rehab, Lindsay is starting shooting a film entitled Dare To Love Me, but it may take more than a triple dog dare to get much of her fan base back. Lindsay: I have the highest of hopes for you. I'm psyched that you're out of that rehab center! It must have been hard--all couped up in there, with nothing but really shitty meth and having no one to fuck besides your fellow patients. Now you're out and you can start getting your career back on track and start drinking and fucking normal guys again. Can't wait to see what happens!

Friday, October 5, 2007

First Murder On Islay For 30 Years?

On September 20 a 49 year-old man was found severely injured in the street near his home in Port Ellen on the Isle of Islay in Argyle, Scotland. Port Ellen is a quiet, little town on a small island off Scotland's southwest coast. Both Islay and Port Ellen are known primarily for the Scotch distilleries associated with them. A police spokesperson said that initially police believed that the man's wounds had resulted from an accident, but doctors later became suspicious about the man's wounds. Presently rumours are being voiced around the island that the man was attacked. The man died in hospital care on Wednesday, October 3. A post-mortem examination is scheduled for today. If the man indeed was murdered, it will be the first murder on Ilsay for 30 years.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Chicago Reader Goes Tabloid

Oh, btw, this week The Chicago Reader gave itself a new format--that of a single-fold tabloid, reminiscent of The Sun Times or The New York Post. I, for one, had thought that The Reader's unique "three little sections folded inside of one slightly bigger section" format was pretty much the only cool thing left about it. On the other hand, a one-section tabloid will be way easier to clean up when your girlfriend leaves them all over your bedroom floor.

This Is Why Socialism Is Fucking Illegal

Venezuela President Hugo Chavez thinks that Venezuelans' high consumption of whisky is an example of the way consumerism harms society. According to the BBC, Venezuela is "one of the world's top importers of whiskey." In 2006, Venezuelans drank 106m bottles of Scotch whisky - almost four per person, and nearly 10% of all UK exports. Chavez has proposed to limit the amount of luxury goods that Venezuelans can import as a way to remedy the supposed over-consumption. OK; this is why socialism is bullshit. If someone told me I couldn't buy four bottles of whiskey per year, I'd be like "Get out of my house." I drank three fifths of Scotch last month, and if Karl Marx over here doesn't like that he can kiss it.

LL Gets Into The Halloween Spirit

Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a punkin patch recently, picking out a big ol' punkin to add some fall-time flair to her rehab cell. There was a cuter picture, where she was smiling, but it didn't have the big ol' punkin in it. I guess I'll just go ahead and say that I don't get her outfit--even as far as punkin-pickin' clothes go. What's with the silver-ass headband? And please--for the love of God--stop bleaching the shit out of your hair, Lindsay!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Crystal Lake Priest Sued For Defamation

Rev. Luis Alfredo Rios, a priest at CL's St. Thomas the Apostle Catholic Church (the one by Taco Bell) is being sued for defamation in McHenry County Circuit Court by a former parishoner, Mr. Angel R. Llavona. According to documents filed in the suit, the dispute began last year when Llavona left a message on Rios' answering machine, criticizing his homily: "I attended Mass on Sunday and I have seen poor homilies, but yesterday broke all records." Llavona further alleges that on Oct. 1, 2006, Rios played the recorded phone message from Llavona during a mass and asked parishioners if "we should send him to Hell or to another parish?" If Llavona thinks that's harsh, he should try going to an Evangelical Free Church!

Radiohead Are Such Kiss-Ass Fucking Hacks

Hey guys--guess what! You know you're favorite band--Radiohead?? Yeah I know you like them so much, and so does your nineteen year-old girlfriend, and her little sister too! You know what those guys are doing?? Did you hear they are coming out with a new album??(!) And they're like really modern and into like really faggy sci-fi futuristic bullshit? So they're so modern and totally ahead of their time that they're going to release their album ON THE INTERNET!!! And you know how much it's gonna cost??? NOTHING!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN JUST PAY WHATEVER YOU WANT AREN'T THOSE GUYS SO FUCKING COOL OH MY GOD IT'S SO SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS OF THEM TO GIVE YOU THEIR MUSIC FOR FREE EVEN THOUGH ITS NO BIG DEAL FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL FUCKING RICH SELLOUT ASSHOLES WHO ARE ONLY IN A BAND BECAUSE THEY'RE SO UGLY NO ONE WOULD FUCK THEM IF THEY WEREN'T IN A HUGE BAND FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Oak Park School Bans Hugs

Citing concerns that hugging might make students late for their class, and relying upon the common impression that children require no affection, a middle school in Oak Park, IL has banned hugging anywhere inside the school building. If observed hugging, the 860 students at Percy Julian Middle School will now, by school policy, be repeatedly reminded by school staff that they must always keep moving and that intimacy with one's peers is something that will always bring reprimand and shame.

Lohan And Pals Grace Skateboard Decks

Think skateboards is releasing new skateboard deck designs featuring the mugshots of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I want one. In related news, Lindsay is checking out of rehab for a visit to her dad, and I guess David Letterman went off on Paris Hilton on the air on Friday, which seems really unusual for him.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Bottle Of Bowmore Sells For 29,400 Pounds

A bottle of single malt scotch sold for almost thirty thousand pounds sterling at auction in Glasgow recently. The hand-blown bottle contains the Islay malt Bowmore and is thought to have been bottled in 1850. Apparently the Morrison-Bowmore company wanted to buy the bottle and display it at the Bowmore distillery, but a private collector outbid them.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Study: Post-Feminism, Men Are Happier Than Women

This is really interesting, and a nice change from my usual hand-wringing about masculinity. Two economists at The University of Pennsylvania recently published a study that they think shows that presently women are less happy than they were decades ago, and that men are more happy than they were decades ago. The researchers opine that this is because men have actually been able to cut back on activities they find unpleasant, while women have simply replaced unpleasant activities with other unpleasant activities since the advent of women's lib. Apparently the research also shows that male high school seniors are considerably happier than they were in 1975, while female high school seniors are no happier than they used to be. What a great time to be a man, guys!

Times Takes Unique Tack On Scotch Tourism

Sunday's travel section of The New York Times carried an article on visiting independent bottlers in Scotland--an interesting alternative to visiting Scotch distilleries. Independent bottlers, or "IB's," or "indies," constitute a cottage industry that has grown up in the spirits business wherein a merchant that is not connected with any particular distilling company buys casks from a distillery and ages and bottles those casks himself, oftentimes providing the market with rare products--for instance, much older whiskey than would otherwise be avaliable from the particular distilleries themselves. Although Scotch distilleries have, on some level, been tourist attractions for decades, I credit the Times for the originality of documenting this trip to the plants of merchant-bottlers.

Ad: Don't Die, Lindsay!

A rehab facility in New Jersey recently found a novel way to hawk their services: by referencing the precarious situation in which everybody's favorite firecrotch has found herself. The facility's ad agency, Jugular, thinks the add is an appropriate way to convey the spirit of the programs at the facility, Canterbury Institute, which apparently has a new kind of rehab program that they're billing as the antidote to the kind of programs that work like revolving doors for people with serious addictions. No word yet from Lindsay's lawyers.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Ten Albums That Changed My Life

More than a year ago, I posted a bulletin like this on myspace, and I enjoyed putting the list together so much that I decided to reconstruct it (it has long been deleted by the myspace elves) and post it here.

1) Huey Lewis And The News: Sports--the first album I enjoyed listening to.

2) Young MC: Stone Cold Rhymin'--the first album I ever owned.

3) Janet Jackson: Rhythm Nation--the first album I ever bought with my own money.

4) Nirvana: In Utero--the first album I anticipated so anxiously that I bought it on the day it was released.

5) Stereolab: Mars Audiac Quintet--the first album that made me want to be in a band.

6) The Velvet Underground & Nico--the first album that made me feel like I could understand exactly how it was performed.

7) John Coltrane: Giant Steps--the album playing the first time I kissed a girl.

8) The Cannanes: Short Poppy Syndrome--the album playing when I totalled my mom's car.

9) Screaching Weasel: Kill The Musicians--the first (and only) album I was ever disciplined for possessing.

10) The Minutemen: Double Nickels On The Dime--the first album in a decade to make me feel like music can matter.

Afghan Boy's Family: Maybe You Should Take Out The Rape Scene

I haven't read The Kite Runner because it's bullshit tailor-made for upper middle class white girls who think they're intellectuals. But since it was written by an American author and intended for an American audience in the 2000's, the story culminates in the rape of a tween boy. Twelve year-old Ahmad Khan Mahmidzada who stars in the movie and plays the boy who gets what all men deserve has come out saying that he didn't really want to do that scene and he wishes the producers would take it out. His family, of course, agrees and fears that they will be ostracized or even attacked if the scene is included in the film. The producers--who did not provide Mahmidzada with the script of The Kite Runner prior to shooting, informing Mahmidzada and his family about the rape scene only days before the scene was shot--are just sort of like "Why?"

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Lindsay Lohan As Grounds For Divorce

Gone are the days when one had to allege intolerable cruelty to petition for divorce; these days you just need to name Lindsay Lohan a few times in your petition and you're good to go. One Stephanie Allen--wife of the front man of some third-rate English rock band I've never heard of--has filed for divorce, citing her husband's habitual drug use and alluding to infidelities during his recent stay at the Cirque Lodge in Utah; Mrs. Allen's petition further includes press clippings reporting rumors of an intra-rehab fling with Lindsay Lohan. I don't get what the big deal is; I thought that the wives of rock stars understood that what happens in rehab stays in rehab. Plus, once you've snorted all of the blow you smuggled into rehab, you're going to want to fuck somebody, even if he's in a shitty band you've never even heard of.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Ten Things I Love About Chicago

This week's Reader ran a pretty cool, thoughtful article detailing various staff favorites about Chicago as a resource for students moving to Chicago for the new school year. As a nod to The Reader's publishing such uncharacteristically interesting and useful content, I here treat you to some of my favorite things about this fair city:

10) The Drive Between Logan Square And The Felony Courts: you can take Sacramento all the way from LS to 26th and Cali and the drive is both laid-back and gorgeous. For much of the way Sacramento is a boulevard that takes you, sans stop lights, through Frederick Law Olmsted-designed emerald necklace parks with a striking view of the skyline once you get south of Garfield Park.

9) Sam's Wines: this is what liquor stores are going to be like in heaven. The stock is phenomenal, whether you're looking for single malt Scotch, sake, cheap Champagne or any other spirit (although they no longer carry the Mortell family favorite, "Smokin' Dog" halbittern). It's in Lincoln Park, but almost not even, because it's hidden on a little back road by the River, next to a junk yard.

8) The Red Apple Polish buffet: on Milwaukee Avenue near Belmont there is a place where it doesn't matter how many dumplings you eat with your sausage and schnitzel, plus they serve pretty good imported beer and you get ice cream at the end or something.

7) The Swatch Store: is located at 520 N. Michigan Avenue. It's true; they still exist, at least in Chicago. Plus, North Michigan Avenue is always full of people who look like they're going to the beach all year around. If a family of tourists asks you to take their picture for them, go ahead--do it.

6) Smoking In The Bleachers At Wrigley Field: Sorry I have to geek out about this one, but even though I grew up nowhere near Chicago, my dad--a baseball fan in the truest sense--raised me to love the Cubs unconditionally. Plus, as my friend Rob showed me, the bleachers are a really good place to drink a lot of beer, ignore smoking laws, and meet cute girls. Yeah, I know we all hate Lake View. If they ever fuck around with modernizing Wrigley, maybe we can get them move it right behind Lane Tech.

5) University of Chicago Doc Films: the oldest student-run film society in the country, Doc Films plays only the most bad-ass classic, foreign, high-brow, or crazy disturbing movies possible every night of the week. Plus, it's really cheap and the no drinking policy is almost not enforced at all.

4) There Is Mexican Food Everywhere: do you like Mexican food? Then you might want to move here. Chicago is a city where people tell you where they live by telling you which Tacqueria they live near. Some are better than others, but the vast majority are varying levels of awesome. Plus, it's good for you.

3) The CTA: runs like a charm and always will, no matter what the funding-hungry suits talking about service cuts say. If you move to Chicago, leave your parents' car at home; it's not even worth the gas money. I live at a pretty sleepy intersection in a pretty secondary neighborhood, and buses blow by here every which way till the cows come home.

2) Johnnie's: easily the coolest bar in Chicago, Johnnie's has been the preferred locus for all celebrations in my inner circle ever since Rudy's friend Colin introduced us to the place a few years ago. Located at Lincoln/Roscoe/Paulina, the place is huge, is almost always empty, and has a jukebox that features "Careless Whisper," "Nothing Compares 2 U," and "Strokin'" among many other effing awesome songs that I will be playing all night long.

1) The Fact That Every Fall Bazillions Of Teen Girls Move Here To Start Art School: more of them than you can count, than American Apparel can clothe, or than their parents can keep from making huge mistakes. They're all crazy, they all have ridiculous hair, and they all think that the $4.00 bottle of Champagne you bought at Sam's makes you the most intriguing, most sophisticated, tenderest man they have ever met, and there's something they want to show you back at their dorm.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

CT Teacher Resigns After Giving Student A Copy Of Eightball

High School English teacher Nate Fischer was forced to resign his post at a Guilford, CT school recently after controversy developed around his giving a female freshman student a copy of Eightball # 22. Dan Clowes' Eightball, referred to by this news source as "a series of comic book novels," is probably the most highly-regarded comic book presently published. Moviegoers may recognize recurring stories from Eightball that were the basis for the well-received feature films Ghost World and Art School Confidential. Superintendent of Schools Thomas Forcella said the book was "inappropriate" for freshman students, and the girl's father characterized the comic as "borderline pornography." The girl recently turned 14. Now I'm not going to bullshit you; Eightball does sometimes have tits in it, but I did read it when I was 14 with little or no negative affect on my development. In fact, when I was in high school one of my teachers lent me a bunch of R. Crumb comics, which makes Clowes' work look pretty Mickey Mouse. Of course, this girl's parents think that it is imperative that Fischer "never teach again."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

And What Does This Say About The Voucher Program?

A teacher at a Christian high school in Canton Township, MI, was arrested Monday on charges that she sexually abused one of her male students. Stephanie Ann Stein, 31, who formerly taught at Plymouth Christian Academy in Canton Township is accused of having sex with a 15 year-old student from the school. Apparently the guy's mom came home several times over the summer and was puzzled to find the teacher there with her minor son. The teacher seriously tried to play it off like "I'm helping him with his schoolwork," but I guess that excuse only works so many times when you have your tits out. Stein faces several charges, including third degree criminal sexual conduct, which carries a penalty of up to 15 years in prison.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Avondale Mugger: Do You Have 50 Cents?

Someone was mugged at about midnight last night on the sidewalk around 2710 N. Artesian in Avondale. Apparantly the mugger went up to the guy and was like "Do you have 50 cents?" When the victim produced 50 cents, the mugger brandished a gun, and told him "That isn't enough." At that point, the victim produced a dollar bill, then split. No shots were fired. The victim called Police, and they apprehended a suspect about a block away from the scene of the mugging.

Friday, September 14, 2007

IN Attorney Arrested After Bringing Bottle Of Whiskey To Court

Attorney Peter Katic was arrested and charged with public intoxication after allegedly arriving at a Tippecanoe County courtroom drunk yesterday. Katic is a former Lake County, IN commissioner and former Hammond, IN city judge. Katic, 53, arrived yesterday at the Tippecanoe County courthouse in LaFayette, IN for an 11 a.m. juvenile court hearing. When officials noticed Katic's bloodshot eyes, flushed face and slowed movements, they gave him a portable breathalyzer test, on which he registered a blood-alcohol content of 0.201 percent, more than twice the 0.08 legal limit for driving in Indiana. Officials apparently also found a bottle of whiskey in Katic's coat pocket.

Wall Street Journal: Our View Of Men Compels Men To Limit Interaction With Kids

The Journal recently ran this interesting piece, which posits that much of men's limiting their interaction with kids they encounter is due to fear of being characterized as a predator. Not only did the men who gave input say that they were mortified when they accidentally bumped into a child they didn't know, but even felt compelled to avert their eyes when children were around and felt as though they should not hold their own child's hand in public.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Student Suffering Stroke Denied Emergency Care Per School Policy

I guess we can all agree that high schools should all be like jails, but at least in the clink you can eventually get paramedics if you have a stroke. Earlier this year freshman Mariya Fatima suffered a stroke while at school at Jamaica High School in Queens, NY. School staff declined to call 911, because they had been forbidden to do so by their superiors. Specifically, former Jamaica Assistant Principal Guy Venezia sent a memo to Jamaica High School's deans on April 12 banning 911 calls "for any reason." Why? Because 911 calls create permanent paper trials that could reinforce Jamiaca H. S.'s reputation as an unsafe school. We at The Avondale tip our hat to our educational system's concern for our children's safety.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Seattle Times: No Sympathy For Female Sex Abusers

There have been two reported instances of female teachers sexually abusing their students in Washington state in recent months. Jennifer Leigh Rice, a 31-year-old former Tacoma teacher, was recently charged with having sex with a 10-year-old boy who had been in her fourth-grade class. And earlier this year, former Tenino math teacher Dawn Welter, 38, was charged with second-degree sexual misconduct after spending the night at a motel with a 16-year-old female student. And that's nothing new. The only unusual thing here is that The Seattle Times is running a story actually commenting on how absurd it is that we collectively give these women a pass since they, as women, must be cultivating some valuable "relationship" by boning these apple-juice drinking, back pack-wearing tykes. Just a couple years ago, the press would still be giving you the tragically naive "by definition it's impossible to sexually abuse a male" argument.

Logan Square "Mega Mall" Burns Down

The Mega Mall in Logan Square burned up in a four-alarm fire on Saturday night. The Mega Mall is basically a flea market/pay day loan place in a warehouse, and the Logan Square community has always been divided over its value. Saturday night, as a few of my friends were hanging out on the roof of their place in Avondale, they saw a massive cloud of smoke to the south and opined that it must be coming from somewhere around Diversey. Nope; it was the Mega Mall. Fire inspectors are still investigating the cause of the fire, but the building's owner suspects that it was caused by vandals.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Friday, September 7, 2007

SC Teacher Pleads Guilty To Charges Of Having Sex With 5 Male Students

Allenna Williams Ward pleaded guilty yesterday to charges stemming from her amorous liasons with five male middle school students. At the time of the conduct Ward, 23, was a seventh-grade language arts teacher at Bell Middle School in Laurens County, South Carolina. Ward pleaded guilty Thursday to six charges--three counts of second-degree criminal sexual conduct with a minor and three counts of lewd acts on a minor. By pleading guilty Ward admits that she had sex with several students in cars, parks, a hotel and at the school where she taught. Police said that Ward had sex with at least five boys: three 14-year-olds, and two 15-year-olds. The boys were students at Bell Middle School and another school that was not named.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

First Season Of "30 Rock" On Shelves

Everybody knows that Tina Fey is the most talented (read: hot) person in TV right now, and "30 Rock" is a perfect picture of her comedic brilliance. If you're not hip, I'll catch you up on it: Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) is a young third-wave feminist head writer on a women-centric live comedy show called "The Girlie Show" taped in NYC's famed 30 Rockefeller Plaza TV studios. Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin, or simply "Baldwin"), head of the Microwave Oven Division in the corporate conglomerate that owns NBC, has been put in charge of television broadcasts and decides to punch up "The Girlie Show" by hiring mentally disturbed black movie star Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) and changing the show's name to "T.G.S. With Tracy Jordan." Hilarity ensues. The first season of "30 Rock" is full of all that stuff that made Fey's Mean Girls script so awesome--glamorous women and their charming insecurities; straight-faced white liberal race comedy ("Two-fer is a two-fer; he's a Harvard guy and a black guy"); and enough physical comedy to make Amanda Bynes blush: spit-takes, spills, awkward dancing, stubbed toes: you name it. The first season of this Emmy-studded contemporary Mary Tyler Moore show hit shelves yesterday, and I walked a half a mile in the rain after an all-day deposition to buy it. Yes; it was worth it, and I haven't even checked out the special features yet.

Universal Studios, Unrated, Retail price: $49.98

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

A Word Of Advice: Don't Fuck With 114

Yesterday my friend Rob and I decided to have our own little barbecue, because everyone else had gone back to Crystal Lake for Labor Day. Before we went to the Mexican grocery store to buy steaks and so on, we took the bus down to Foremost Liquors to get drinks. When we got there, we milled around for a bit, not sure what to get. We both wanted whiskey, and Rob was leaning toward Bourbon, but nothing was jumping off the shelf at us. A handle of Evan Williams? Sounds kind of yucky. A fifth of Jim Beam Rye? Rob wasn't interested. Then it hit me: sitting on the top shelf, next to all of the pricey premium brands was a cognac bottle-shaped fifth of Old Grand Dad 114. It had never before even occured to me to try to fuck with a bottle of 114, but at that moment our boredom with the bourbon selection, and the fact that 114 only cost $22.00 (I had never priced it before) made buying that bottle seem like a really good idea. And it was; the whiskey tasted great, diluted with the requisite amount of tap water. Rob and I were both impressed. Here's the only thing: after like 2 reasonably-sized glasses of the stuff, Rob and I were both so groggy and wasted that we both decided to go to sleep at about 6:00 PM.

Friday, August 31, 2007

R.I.P. (The Other) Michael Jackson

Frank Coleman, Distilled Spirits Council Senior Vice President, filed a press release today announcing that celebrated spirits expert Michael Jackson died yesterday. The press release did not mention the cause of Mr. Jackson's death. Michael Jackson is a noted author and expert on spirits, especially whiskey. Jackson has published many painstakingly researched volumes on the subject for publishing houses like DK and Simon and Schuster, including Michael Jackson's Great Beers of Belgium, Ultimate Beer, The Complete Guide To Single Malt Scotch, and Whiskey: The Definitive World Guide, to name only a few. Jackson's absolutely essential Complete Guide To Single Malt Scotch is presently in its fifth edition, and Jackson's writings have earned him five Glenfiddich Food And Drink Awards. As a spirits expert, Jackson was absolutely peerless and his books betray not only a great expertise, but also a limitless zeal for the object of his work. Neither wikipedia, nor my copy of The Complete Guide offer any biographical information about Jackson.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Olsen To Star In New Bret Easton Ellis Movie

Dude--this is so badass. Ashley Olsen is going to star in a Hollywood adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' book The Informers. I haven't read The Informers, but I guess its a collection of vignettes set in LA circa 1983--sound cool enough yet? No? How about this: Ashley Olsen is going to play the part of a "a sexually promiscuous girl"! Bret Easton Ellis-tastic!

Research: Male Undergraduate Students Sacrifice Professional Opportunity For Love

Research conducted by faculty of Duke University Medical Center and The University of Albany challenges the prevailing stereotype that women tend to value relationships and men tend to value their personal achievements. The study, which focused on college-aged subjects, concluded that men were more likely than women to give priority to a romantic relationship when asked to choose between a relationship and their career, education and traveling. Researchers further opined that the study seemed to indicate that men, in contrast to women, derive more emotional support from their opposite-sex relationships than their same-sex friendships.

Brown-Forman's Profits Up, Stock Price Down

Louisville, KY-based liquor conglomerate Brown-Forman, best known for its portfolio of American whiskey brands, recorded a $95.4M profit during the three months ending July 31. That's a $.8M increase from last year's first quarter. The company attributes the success to the world-wide demand for its mainline brands such as Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey and the strong performance of its newer premium brands such as Woodford Reserve, which the company has promoted heavily this year. The value of Brown-Forman stock dipped this morning, however, because the first quarter earnings the company reported were lower than some analysts had expected.

In related news, British liquor conglomerate Diageo, which owns Guinness, as well as 26 Scotch distilleries, including Lagavulin, Oban, Talisker, Clynelish and Linkwood, reported a 22% drop in earnings for the first quarter--down to 1.49 billion pounds sterling--but Diageo stock is up a whole 2.2% this morning.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Research: 27-Year-Old Men Genetically Predisposed To Liking Lindsay Lohan

A team of researchers from Vienna University's No Duh Department recently went public with research that tends to show that men's preference for younger women is a result of evolution. Vienna U No Duh Department head, Professor Obvious opined that men who fuck younger women "maximize their of chances of reproducing." But here's something pretty interesting: apparently the optimum age difference for reproduction is six years. Perfect!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

MSN Doesn't Know Shit About Sexy

For some reason, MSN's "men's page" today opted to perpetuate the myth that the sexiest women in the world are, oh--let's say about 37. Usually men's media doesn't play into this kind of cruel teasing meant only to flatter insecure 30-somethings into buying more shoes, sweets and shiraz. But, ladies, to make up for it I'm going to tell you something Godiva's marketers would never tell you: we'd all rather stick with 'Manda Bynes, or else go straight for Isabella Rossellini.

And I Got One Leg--Jealous?

The sex scene from I Know Who Killed Me was just posted on the internet like yesterday. Apparently even the dudes who pirate movies left the theatre before they got that far.

Man Dies In Sheriff's Custody

An inmate at Cook County Jail died yesterday. Sam Wright, 45, had been in custody at Cook County on possession charges since Sunday. Wright's cellmate alerted guards that Wright was unresponsive at about 3:00 PM Monday afternoon. When paramedics arrived, they opined that Wright was in cardiac arrest. Wright was pronounced dead at 3:35 p.m. in St. Anthony Hospital, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office.

Glenmorangie Workers Set To Strike

The staff of Glenmorangie Distillery has voted to strike in a dispute over shift assignments. Apparently management recently rearranged the worker's shift patterns and threatened to fire workers who did not comply with the new arrangement. The staff plans to strike as soon as they receive the go-ahead from their union. Glenmorangie, located near Tain, Scotland, is one of the nation's foremost distilleries, producing Scotland's most-consumed single malt whiskey.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Florida Students Disciplined For Exceeding Expectations

The latest in the grand American tradition of discouraging excellence is Golden Gate High School of Naples, Florida, which suspended a group of seniors for wearing blazers and ties to school. After the school adopted a khakis-and-oxford-shirt dress code for the 2007-2008 school year, one group of Golden Gate's graduating class decided to show off their senior spirit by dressing especially nice for school--wearing jackets and ties in addition to their khakis and button-up shirts. Administrators did not appreciate the students' enthusiasm. At Golden Gate High School the punishment for demonstrating excellence or a zeal for learning is an in-school suspension, during which students are not permitted to participate in the school's curriculum, do any classwork on their own, or do anything else that might have the effect of bettering themselves.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Don't Call It That

The Staten Island Advance ran a story today characterizing whiskey as "the new vodka." Apparently whiskey drinking is way up in SI, among women as well as men. I guess I would consider that a nice thing, except they decided to single out one of the least satisfying, most over-priced brands of whiskey as their poster child.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Lindsay Lohan A Lucky Girl

Los Angeles County prosecutors today announced that they would not be filing any felony charges against Lindsay Lohan in connection with her string of cocaine-fueled drunk driving incidents. Instead, prosecutors will be filing seven misdemeanor counts against Lindsay, including two counts of driving under the influence, a count of being under the influence of cocaine, and a count of reckless driving. Though numerous, the charges carry only a minimum of four days behind bars. Lohan's lawyer, Blair Burke, is supposedly working presently on a plea-bargain with prosecutors.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

LL Photographed Hiking In Utah

Today photographs of Lindsay Lohan taking a brisk hike with her fellow rehabbers surfaced on the internet. Me rikey. In other news, LL was quoted in Maxim's tenth anniversary issue saying that she thinks of herself as sexy and that "my breasts have been a big hit." There have also been reports that LL wants to revive her "pop career" because no one wants to put her in movies right now.

Why You Shouldn't Wash Your Penis

A Uganda study has shown that men who wash their penis directly after sex run a significantly higher risk of HIV infection. Apparently the sooner after sex one washes, the higher the likelihood of infection. According to the study, men who washed more than 10 minutes after sex are significantly less likely to be infected with HIV.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Hotter Than Lindsay Lohan?

Like that's even possible. I went to see Superbad this morning, which I highly recommend. It just goes to show that American Graffiti is such a great movie that it can stand yet another retelling. The super fucking hot, super likable female lead, Emma Stone, seemed so familiar to me. Then it dawned on me: she played the foul-mouthed wild-child daughter Shannon on that one episode of "Lucky Louie." She looks kind of like LL, only she's got doe eyes and a slight lisp. Plus, isn't it great that post-2005 the women in pop culture are allowed to be likable again?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Would You Hit It?

It was announced today that Jenna Bush is getting married--to some stooge who worked at the White House, under Karl Rove. For those of you who don't know, Jenna Bush, aged 25, is fantastically wealthy, a Longhorns fanatic, and has a drinking problem. So this kind of got me thinking: she's right up my alley, right? And as you can see here, she's a real looker, at least in a Texas way, and apparently she's pretty uninhibited. There's just one catch: her father's even more pathological and criminal that Lindsday Lohan's. Plus, my boss says that Jenna's cut of the family money wouldn't even be that much--maybe something like 200M, and you'd have to pay me so much more than that to marry a Republican.

LL Takes A Break From Rehab, Gets Tan

Today photos of Lindsay Lohan out and about in Sundance, Utah surfaced on the internet. Reportedly, Lindsay went out for a walk with a handler and got a spray-on tan. Good for her--plus I love those little orange palms of hers. Her dad is apparently freaked out about her being able to leave the rehab premises, but fuck that guy; he's always been an a-hole.

Looking At Girls Outlawed In California

Jack McClellan is behind bars in California right now, even though no one can figure out what law--if any--he has broken. He was ticketed earlier this week for "tresspassing" on public property on the UCLA campus and later jailed when it became clear that he was near some young girls--perhaps even looking at them! While legal experts rack their brains to figure out if McClellan has done anything wrong at all, men everywhere must make absolutely sure that they never look at any girl who isn't yet 18, dismayed mothers are destroying all photographic depictions of their children, and McClellan sits in jail.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

8 Diagrams Release Date Set

The Wu-Tang Clan is set to release their new LP 8 Diagrams on November 12, 2007. Music press is going crazy because the Wu is going to cover "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," with George Harrison's son Dhani Harrison in tow. Sounds like bullshit to me!

Staple Whiskey Of Prohibition Era Returns To Chicago

Templeton Rye--a brand steeped in history--was (re-)launched in Templeton, Iowa last year by one Scott Bush. The town of Templeton, Iowa was famous during the Prohibition for the whiskey produced illicitly there; apparently Templeton whiskey had a reputation for high quality. The product had a devoted Chicago following and supposedly was purchased in large quanities by Al Capone. So far the new, legit whiskey business has been a success in Templeton: Bush sold every bottle of whiskey that they bottled last year. The new business and its backers--almost exclusively senior citizens from Iowa--will be throwing a big bash in Chicago to celebrate the brand's return to its original primary market.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Why Do Women Kill Their Husbands?

Because they know they'll only have to serve about six months, and they're really tired of having to fuck in heels.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Wall Street Journal Praises Classic Scotch Brand

The Wall Street Journal ran a story celebrating the classic Sheep Dip brand of blended Scotch on Saturday. Sheep Dip is a brand that garnered a cult following in the 1970's, due mainly to its high quality: it is a blend only of single malts, without any of the Everclear-like grain alcohol which makes up about 65% of most blends. After dissappearing for over a decade, The Sheep Dip brand was resurrected earlier this year, to some fanfare. The Journal's take on all this is that resurrecting old brands is good business because of the "residual value" of the old brand's built-in image and consumer base.

New 200% Tax Devastates Scotch Sales In Bombay

On July 10th the Maharashtra state government slapped a 200% tax on foreign spirits, and the effects on Scotch consumption in Bombay have been devastating. India is the world's largest whiskey market, and typically 30%-40% of Indian whiskey consumption happens in Maharashtra. The Scotsman reported over the weekend that not a single bottle of Scotch had been sold in Bombay since the tax increase. Commentators have opined that the tax will be a boon to Indian bootleggers and smugglers; apparently as it stands 90% of the foreign spirits sold in India are smuggled and sold on the black market, sans taxes.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Daley: Only 24 Currently Homeless in Chicago

The City of Chicago is presently making the absurd claim that only 24 homeless people live "downtown." One advocate group estimates the number of Chicago homeless at something more like 21,078.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Oops--Pretend You Didn't Hear That

Rapist Tiffany King needs to be more discreet. The 19 year-old Lincoln, Nebraska woman, who prefers the company of 'tween boys, was riding around in her purple Dodge Neon with three 14 year-olds on July 22. At one point in the evening the object of her desire exited the vehicle, and she confided in the other two that “I’ll rape him if he doesn’t have sex with me.” Or at least that's what the affidavit the boys swore out for her arrest says. Later the two boys left King to go skateboarding, and they claim to have observed King making it with their friend in her car during the time they were gone. Statutory rape is a law that's hardly ever enforced--mainly just when a girl turns up pregnant or when a 14 year old boy gets scared shitless because a women tells him she's going to rape his friend. Tiffany King is presently awaiting trial on charges of first degree sexual assault.

Have Fun Getting Married, Fag!

British press is reporting that women prefer men with feminine features when looking for a long-term mate. The report is based on research conducted at The University of St. Andrews, Scotland. Researchers had women view a variety of images of faces of men with varying degrees of masculine and feminine features and asked them to identify which ones they'd like to commit to and which ones they'd rather just roll around with for awhile. Women apparently prefer men with more masculine features as short-term partners and prefer more sissy-looking guys as husbands.

OK; You Need To Take Care Of This.

Not only is Lindsay Lohan totally addicted to coke, an alcoholic, and, now, a bad actress: Sources close to Lindsay are now voicing suspicions that she may be...with child? She must really be determined to end her career!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Cops Kill Another Kid In Chicago

Last night a Chicago Police officer shot a teenager dead in Lawndale, leading to what amounted to a small riot as the kid's neighbors heard about the incident. Cops blocked off a four-block area, used pepper spray on some protesters, and even broke a journalist's camera. As for the shooting, the Chicago Police Department is sticking to the trusty old "we thought he had a gun" explanation.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Guys: Like Black Chicks?

Mainstream media all over the place is reporting that African American women are increasingly choosing to "date out," or, in other words, to date white dudes. The real question is how long we have to wait for all of those small penis jokes to peter out.

Sexual Torture Preferred Means Of Eliminating HIV-Inducing Witches In Papua New Guinea

Papua New Guinea is presently facing an AIDS catastrophe, accounting for 90 percent of HIV infections in the entire Oceania region. HIV diagnoses have risen there by around 30 percent every year since 1997, leaving an estimated 60,000 people living with the disease in 2005. The source of the disease's prodiguous rise in PNG is clear: the rampant practice of witchcraft among local women. Although a high level of sexual violence perpetrated against Papa New Guinea's female population has been identified as a major source of the HIV epidemic, presently a preferred method of combating the disease among PNG's population is sexual torture of the predominantly female witch community. One source estimates there have been more than 500 such attacks in PNG during the past year.

Lohan's Fed Up Parents Ship Her To Sundance, Utah To Be Straightened Out By Disciplinarian Grandmother

Fed up with their daughter's relentless boozing and carousing, Lindsay Lohan's parents have shipped her to the Cirque Lodge in Sundance, Utah to dry out under the watchful eye of Lindsay's strict grandmother. Lindsay currently faces multiple charges stemming from alleged substance abuse, including two DUI charges and two charges for possession of cocaine. Lindsay's parents, at their wits' end, hope that spending time with her family's strong-willed Utahan matriarch is just what Lindsay needs to whip her into shape in time to metriculate at Vassar. Let's just hope she doesn't go down on some Mormon boy in a paddle boat and seduce her stepdad again while she's out there!

The Next Time One Of Your Female Peers Complains That It's "A Boys' Club" Yell "Bullshit!" At Her

A few days ago The New York Times and other mainstream media outlets confirmed what has been obvious to men in my generation all of their lives: that the fact that our female peers have always been given more resources, more support, more money for education and more opportunities will inevitably mean they will earn more as young adults. The fact that their parents are still paying for their car insurance only makes the gap more pronounced!

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Witches Precipitate Rise In HIV In Mozambique

A community of practicing witches--mainly elderly women--are believed to be associated in the rise of fatal cases of HIV and AIDS in the African nation of Mozambique. Those identified as witches are frequently "kicked out of their families" and shunned by the community. Authorities have further linked a string of violent killings in Mozambique with practitioners of witchcraft, claiming that the murders have been perpetrated in order to sell human remains for use in rituals. Although Mozambican authorities do not yet have a handle on the situation, locals have contained practitioners of witchcraft in their communities by means of lynchings and arson. One man accused of practicing witchcraft is pictured above, standing next to his burned home.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Paulina James To Portray Lindsay Lohan In Upcoming Adult Film

Paulina James may not be the most fresh-faced porn starlet around, but, admittedly, she looks a lot less busted than Lindsay Lohan does these days. So James will have to trash herself up and string herself out in the coming months because she's been "tapped" to portray the troubled LL in a "forthcoming" adult film entitled Lindsay HoHand: Get Out of My F*#k!ng Way. The movie is due for release in October.

And, on a personal note, you won't be hearing as much about Lindsay Lohan's exploits here at The Avondale; it just isn't any fun anymore.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A Modest Proposal: Don't See I Know Who Killed Me

I feel like I felt the day I realized that Christianity is bullshit. I just got back from the City North theatre on Western Avenue where I walked out of I Know Who Killed Me less than 30 minutes into the movie. Like every other movie in the world, the production was shit, the acting was hackneyed, and thematic content pandered to the worst tendencies of a cowardly people. But the fucking torture, man--fuck! I thought this was going to be some good, old-fashioned torture--like chaining Lindsay to a basement wall and whacking her tits with a belt while she sincerely instructed you to stop and maybe cried for a while. You know, like what any reasonable guy would do if he met her. It was nothing like that; it was some really sick shit--really fucking sick. I know I'm about two years behind everyone else on this, but my confidence in her has been seriously compromised. And now all I want to do is fucking dismember Hollywood and bury Kerasotes Theatres alive.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Lohan: They're Not Mine

Apparently last night while Billy Bush of Access Hollywood was on Larry King Live, discussing LL's most recent criminal charges, LL emailed Bush and--you guessed it--proclaimed her innocence. Quoth Lindsay: "Yes. I am innocent ... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy." While Lindsay is in hiding at someone else's house in Beverly Hills, at least one mainstream news source is asking what I was asking myself yesterday morning--how long can Lindsay do this ruitine before she gets herself killed?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Lindsay Lohan's Going In The Clink

Pictured here in police custody this morning, Lindsay Lohan was arrested at 2:15 AM today when police pulled her over and found her smelling of alcohol with a baggie of blow in her pocket. For some reason that only God knows, LL was driving on a suspended license in a car that she doesn't own, chasing a car driven by the mortified mother of one of Lindsay's personal assistants. This is Lindsay's second DUI charge in three months, not to mention the drug charges. So, anyway, I admit it: she has a problem. She was released on $25,000.00 bond, but she's definitely going to be doing time.