Sunday, October 5, 2008

Lohan: I Want To Adopt

In a recent interview in Marie Claire LL mentioned that she, like every other woman in America, would be thrilled to adopt kids. Of course, there's an election year subtext here since Lindsay only recently announced that she is in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson. Well, girl, you look great--even when you're sitting next to that basement-dweller, who, by the way, looks exactly like my younger brother did when he was nine. We don't know whether the next four years will see the rights of homosexual couples expanded, but we do know this: we want you to be happy, Lindsay, and to have everything your heart desires--and God do we want to see you in movies again.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Struck By Motorcycle

Holy shit--last night LL got hit by a motorcycle as she left some club in New York. According to the Post, she and Samantha Ronson were crossing 32nd Street when Lindsay was struck by a moving motorcycle. She was taken to Beth Israel Medical Center, treated and released at 4 a.m. this morning. Apparently she's fine, thank God.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

In Appreciation Of Ohio Girls

I love Ohio girls. They just wear whatever was on their bedroom floor and they always smell like powdered sugar and sunscreen. They don't talk about politics or world issues, and they don't care about tapas or fancy cocktails. You never have to buy them anything, because the bars just give them drink tickets on weekends. They constantly use language that would make a sailor blush and they'll kiss you right in front of their boyfriends. They just want to play drinking games and watch TV and they never ask you what you do for a living--because they can remember the day you got into law school.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Normally I Stand Up For Texas, But...

By the way, I just thought I should let all of you cultural studies majors and all of you religious people know that if you live in Texas and you want to abuse your daughter you can pin her on the floor and hurt her for a few hours and if you're a Christian or something you can tell the cops it was an exorcism and the state supreme court will let you go scott free. Oh, and, as a lawyer, I can tell you that the court's claim that this case is really "a dispute over religious conduct that would unconstitutionally entangle the court in church doctrine" is h*******t.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Newsflash: Lindsay Lohan Shows You Her Tummy

OK, so I'm tired of all of the "sign of the times" jokes about fistfights at gas stations or gas stations refusing credit cards or people renting tankers to try to steal a bunch of gas from gas stations. If you want proof positive that shit is totally fucked up in our country right now and that everyone is totally desperate for some glimmer of niceness while everything else rides to hell on its fixed-gear bike, look no further: today a google news search for "Lohan" resulted in no preemptively critical assessment of a film in preproduction, no provacative speculation about a lesbian affair with a DJ--in fact, it turned up nothing more than an item declaring that paparazzi went apeshit recently when LL fanned her shirt to air out on a hot day. Pathetic. That's how collectively desperate we, as a society, are for some Lindsay. We'll take anything; another fucking Christmas album, a peak at a belly button--it's all the same to us. On the other hand, I can honestly say that if global warming means that LL will randomly pull her shirt up more often I will personally gag Al Gore and develop fart-inducing cow food. Now eat something, girl; you look like 'Manda Bynes.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

R.I.P. Brendan Scanlon, AKA: SOLVE

FYI for out-of-towners:

Man charged in stabbing death of Chicago street artist

Associated Press
4:24 AM CDT, June 16, 2008

CHICAGO - A Cook County judge has ordered a Chicago man held on $500,000 bond in the stabbing death of one of the city's best-known street artists.

Prosecutors filed first-degree murder charges Sunday against 24-year-old Kirk Tobolski, who allegedly stabbed 24-year-old Brendan Scanlon in the heart early Saturday morning.

Scanlon's parents in Wisconsin said their son worked for a Chicago graphic design and advertising firm.

But Scanlon was best known for the often enigmatic street art he stenciled onto such places as the backs of stop signs and the glass of newspaper boxes -- usually signed with the alias "SOLVE."

On one occasion he installed a television set in a rapid transit train. Its screen bore the stenciled message, "We are experiencing legal difficulties."

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Lindsay To Be A Missionary?

You know, I always kind of felt like there was some little way that LL reminded me of my mom. This little charmer with a heart of gold (pictured here flipping you off) is set to do missionary work in India next year. Yeah; according to daddy, she's going to be doing stuff to help out with some "child sexual slavery" issues and helping victims of AIDS in India with a church group next February. Only according to Lindsay's people, this is just something her dad made up. Oh well: you're not old enough of an actress to have to do humanitarian work abroad to impress people, Lindsay. You just keep being you, and we'll keep loving you for it.

Required Listening

Preferably as loud as possible.

Monday, April 14, 2008

I Don't Buy It

I recently decided I'm not going to buy things anymore. Part of it is because months ago I noticed myself deliberately trying to ease my frustration with the working world or whatever else was stressing me out at the moment by means of purchasing goods (specifically DVDs at Borders) and part of it is because a light went on in my head the other day when I followed a link from to a cnn article about dumpster diving for food. I mean, of course I'm going to keep spending money on some things, but not a lot of things. I wrote out a list of stuff I can get or do for free, and it is pretty surprising how it covers most of my needs and wants. And, of course, instead of spending all of my disposable income on things I don't need or want like people tend to do, I can always invest it. Everybody knows the best things in life are free--why do we spend so much money on stupid shit?

Still apprehensive? Check out the youtube files for this hilarious episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, a comedic BBC pop music quiz show, and tell me you've had more fun with something you once paid money for:

Friday, February 22, 2008 Crashes Under The Enormous Weight Of Lindsay Lohan's Tits

According to the Red Eye, recorded 20 million hits on Monday and Tuesday for the nude photographs of Lindsay Lohan presently posted on the website. That's 2,000% more traffic than the site had one year ago. Eventually the traffic built up to such an extent that the site crashed harder than LL t-boning a paparazzo in her Mercedes.