Monday, November 26, 2007

Take The I Know Who Killed Me Challenge!

See if you can get through the opening scene without rolling your eyes! See if you can get through the torture scenes without puking! See if you can get through the entire movie with any residual respect for LL! Sony Pictures' I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan will hit store shelves tomorrow, just in time to make a nice Christmas present for that Lohanophile in your life. I'd mock the movie and give you all kinds of spoilers, but I couldn't make it through the first half hour. Ladies: do you know a guy who just seems to give Lindsay Lohan too much credit? Is your man a closet LL fanatic? Get him to watch this movie, and he'll revile her just as much as you do--until he sees the blowjob scene in Georgia Rule, and immediately returns to being her # 1 fan!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Killed U of C Student To Be Awarded Degree Posthumously

Amadou Cisse, an international student completing his Ph.D. degree in chemistry at the University of Chicago, was shot and killed at 1:26 a.m. Monday in the street near 6120 S. Ellis Ave--only one block from the University's campus. Cisse had successfully defended his doctoral dissertation on November 1, and was scheduled to receive his degree at Convocation on December 7. The University will award his degree posthumously. In addition to that fatal shooting, there were two other incidents on or near the U of C campus that very hour. At 12:33 a.m. at 6045 Woodlawn, a man was chased by an individual who fired a shot in his direction. At 1:15 a.m., two women were robbed at 924 E. 57th St. by an individual who said he had a weapon. Police are investigating whether or not these incidents are related. The University of Chicago is reputed to have the second largest private police force in the country, and University officials say they are presently increasing police patrols on campus in response to these incidents.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Swedish Feminists To Desexualize The Breast

A group of Swedish feminists calling themselves Just Breasts are mounting a civil disobedience campaign aimed to make it legal for women to go topless in Sweden. In other words, they are showing their boobies at various public beaches and pools as they swim in bottoms-only bathing suits. I know that sounds pretty cool, but you really have to read the fine print with these things: the group's stated goal is to make women's breasts "as normal and desexualised as men's, so that we too can pull off our shirts at football matches." Women: could you please take pity on a wretched creature and not take this one thing away from me?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Does Hard Time

Today the Los Angeles Times reported that LL spent a day in jail yesterday as part of her sentence for her drunk driving conviction. Devoted readers will recall that Lohan racked up two DUIs last summer, the second of which saw her chasing a car all the way to the parking lot of a police station. Both times, cociane was involved. In August, LL pleaded no contest to both DUI charges in exchange for a sentence of one day in jail and an amount of community service. Apparantly Lohan served her day in jail yesterday, which, actually, consisted of about 84 minutes, during which Red was photographed, fingerprinted and put in a holding cell, alone.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

AEM Bargain Bin Selection #1: Soft Cell's Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret

Reckless Records, $1.99. You may think that New Wave, the gay dance club scene and MDMA are out of fashion, but they're probably all on the verge of a huge come-back. Still that's not enough to get Reckless Records to move Soft Cell's first and best album from the bargain bin back into their normal stock. Soft Cell was formed in 1980 by Marc Almond and David Ball after the two met at Leeds Polytechnic Fine Arts University. Born of the New Romantic movement in British pop, the band was branded as part of the futurist pop scene embodied by bands like The Human League and OMD. But Soft cell's schtick had a decidedly darker tone that struck a chord with what became the Goth scene. Soft Cell's first LP, Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret is an unapologetic sleezefest, right from the sleezy, neon-lit title--its subject matter consisting exclusively of the glamorization of an obscene, drug-addled nightlife and the mockery of those too square to partake in it. Soft Cell's career was quite short-lived--much like most of their New Romantic-era peers, I guess. The band is basically known for its hit cover of "Tainted Love," the controversy over the photographs used to promote its "Sex Dwarf" song/concept, and its over-use of MDMA. That, however, doesn't mean this album doesn't kick ass! Happy bargain-binning!

Entertainment Weekly: Why Sixteen Candles Rules

Check it out--this is so awesome! Entertainment Weekly ran this story recently about why Sixteen Candles is better than Pretty In Pink. It is so true! Why do so many people like Pretty In Pink so much? Sixteen Candles totally blows it away. Farmer Ted! Jake Ryan! Underwear! Rolls Royces! I'm gonna have a fit just thinking about it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

U.S. Gov't: Fuck You, I Have To Pay For This War

According the CNN, the total cost of the wars in Iraq and Afganistan has now reached 1.6 Trillian. Yes, that's Trillian. In other words, we have collectively paid out $1,600,000,000,000.00, for the wars and that's just so far. So, why, in God's name, can't the government help me with my totally debilitating student loans? Or do something so I don't have to pay a new tax on every bottle of Old Grand Dad I buy in order to forget about my student loans? You know, if we would just wage $100 billion worth of war, we could pay for a first class education for every American with the other $1.5 trillion.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Why We're Converting To Satanism

The World Changer's Church, a non-denominational Christian "mega church" in Atlanta bought its minister, the Rev. Creflo Dollar, a Rolls Royce this year. How could the church spend so much on an automobile? Well, it took in $69,000,000.00 tax free dollars in 2006.

Fox News Now Covering Lindsay's Tits

Although apparently she isn't covering them particularly well herself. Fox News today published a story discussing the visibility fof LL's nips (pictured here) as Red went out to dinner *gasp* without a bra last Thursday. I used to have to resort to Defamer and its ilk for that kind of web stalker stuff. Fox's story also included an almost touching yarn about how a grown man had broken down crying as he had his picture taken with Lindsay at H&M. The source said the guy was "about 50," so I'll presume he was something like 35. She's like the meloncholy beauty of cherry blossoms, LL.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Modest Proposal: Kill Your iPod.

Yesterday I went record shopping with my friend B. He took me over to Lake View to go to Grammaphone, and then we went down to Dusty Groove. To be honest, I haven't really gone record shopping in a long time. Like in four years. I've mainly been getting my music either by researching sort of ironically obscure British pop groups that sound like the Style Counsel and buying their CDs used through Amazon for like $1.99, or by taking stuff from my friends' iTunes. At first I found the record shopping experience to be monotonous. And even when I did find something interesting, I found myself wanting to be able to consult wikipedia to make sure it was worth buying. I stood somewhat bemusedly as B. made use of one of the many beat up Technics 1200 MK2s, briefly listening to each of his potential selections--what a painstaking way to decide whether to buy something, right? How old-fashioned.

Maybe an hour into our browsing at the second record store, my attitude made a 180. As I flipped through the weathered, slightly mildewed used LPs at Dusty Groove I was overwhelmed by how many great options there were--and even more by how many of them I would have never considered listening to, how many of them I was totally unaware of. These weren't particularly obscure records; and they were of genres that I know something about. Oh, shit: I've never even heard an EPMD song. I didn't even know about this Paul Chambers album, and why did I never buy Coltrane's Lush Life in high school? Huh; I don't own any Cat Stevens records--weird. I selected three jazz LPs for which I would pay retail price, then I turned to the rather extensive bargain bin. I selected about 10 more LPs from the bargain bin--almost all of which were albums that I would have paid full price for. I was stunned. And as I thought about what happened that day, I decided that the practice of treating iTunes as my primary source of music for several years fucked me really bad. Ten years ago I was the kind of kid who would spend a total of 20 hours scouring every record shop in London just to find a Marine Girls album (true story). By the time I was in my 3L year in law school, I didn't even set up my stereo or unpack my CDs and LPs, because I assumed that the 500 or so songs on my iTunes would be enough for any scenario.

Today I spent most of the day organizing my record collection. The jazz LPs I bought yesterday had given me a little record collecting fever, and I wanted to take stock of what I had to make sure I didn't buy any duplicates. I was surprised in several ways by what I found, for instance: (1) I don't have nearly as many albums as I thought I had. I mean, not all of them are here; some of them are at my parents' house or in boxes, or whatever--but come on; I have like 40 jazz albums in my bed room. What the fuck is that? I have more Stooges albums than Cannonball Adderley albums, and I don't even like The Stooges. What's even worse is (2) I have tons of really good albums that I haven't listened to in like 7 years--or maybe not at all--apparently just because I never put any tracks from them on iTunes, and then I forgot I had them. We're talking like four star albums by my favorite musicians. Everything But the Girl, Kieth Murray and shit.

In short, iTunes has seriously fucked up the way we experience music. It's turned music into a totally ephemeral (not to mention value-less) thing that we experience in only the most compulsory way. And it's given us musical tunnel-vision, making us forget about the myriad possibilities there are, beyond what's presently available on Lime Wire. Today it dawned on me in a new way exactly how rewarding it is to stand by that old 1200 MK2 spinning a slightly scratchy LP; how human it is to be able to hold that LP, write your name on the slip cover with a Sharpie next to the name of the person who owned it before you; how rich of an experience it is to listen to a song in the context of the album it was written for, rather than in the white, iTunes vacuum. If this is starting to make any sense to you, I implore you, go to a bargain bin and buy whatever Peter Paul and Mary LP you can find for 50 cents, listen to it popping on your record player, and think about how decades ago people enjoyed music in a way you haven't in years. It's going to sound so much better than your iPod shuffle.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

NY Post: Lohan To Appear On "Ugly Betty"

Several sources on the shadier side, including The New York Post, are reporting that there have been discussions of Lindsay Lohan guest starring in an episode of "Ugly Betty." Supposedly LL is going to play a "fallen beauty queen who takes over as the manager of the fast food restaurant where Betty Suarez's father works," so it's another one of those "art imitating life" things.

MSNBC: LL's Car For Sale On Ebay

A few weeks ago we informed you that Lindsay Lohan is broke-ass broke. Well, now her old Mercedes is for sale on Ebay. How do we know? According to MSNBC, the plates match the Mercedes that LL crashed into a tree in May.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

No Duh: Most Paid Nothing For Radiohead Album

How did the entire editorial staff of every NPR station in the country not see this coming? When Radiohead revolutionized the entire universe of rock music by releasing its new album In Rainbows on the internet in October, allowing people simply to "pay what they want" for the thing, for weeks fucking NPR kept playing clips of self-described "musicians" saying they were going the pay $100 for it because Radiohead is that important, man! According to the BBC, it looks like about 2/3 of those who "purchased" the album online opted to pay absolutely nothing. All you guys who got the album for free: I'll do you one better, I'll pay you twenty bucks if you promise never to play the album for me.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

IL School Now Disciplining Students For Hugging

Dedicated readers may recall our coverage of the Oak Park, IL, school that made a policy of constantly reminding students that they should not hug each other, but stopped short of actually disciplining students for doing so. Well, the administrators of Illinois schools have now taken their conviction that children deserve no affection one step farther. Administrators at Mascoutah Elementary School in Mascoutah, IL, have issued two detentions to one Megan Coulter, 13, pictured here, for violating the school's ban on all public displays of appreciation for one's peers. The school's ban on such displays began this school year. Megan, clearly a brash and hardened ne'er-do-well, will serve the second of the detentions today, and will continue to be disciplined by school administrators until she can learn to keep all of her humane impulses a secret.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

I'm Engaged!!! :-)

Just wait until you meet her. She's soooo perrrfeeect! She's like really cute and has a dimple in her chin and her hair's a little wierd, but we can pay someone to straighten it out--Oh and she's an angel! Check it out: I met her on the beach. She just walked up and started talking to me and it was like magical from the first second. And then we drank 14 bottles of really good Island and West Highland whisky that she had, and then I guess we had sex because the next thing I knew I had a wicked hangover and God was giving me this man-to-man talk about how I had to "make this right" or whatever. That was when I really knew. "Whoa, bro; she really is an angel," said I. "Uh, yeah," said God. "So she's like magical, right?" "Well, I don't--" "So she can like, magically create bottles of whiskey?" "Well, yes, but I don't see what--" "Fuck it man; I'm in. I love her."

I'm just kidding, but, seriously--what kind of genius thought up this promotion? "Yeah...we're gonna need...a bottle of each of those whiskys...and a moderately attractive girl from in town who has hair like Don King with bedhead...and some pajamas...and...some fluffy shit and we're good. Oh fuck, boys--yeah; we forgot to bring the ocean again."

Saturday, November 3, 2007

It Is OK/It's Not OK: Ballet Toes And Women's Clothes

I usually really don't like the "I can do this, but you can't" attitude that people generally tend to have, but this morning, as I stood in a long-ass line at Sultan's Market in Wicker Park, the things I observed solidified something that I have always kind of sensed: that, like Raskolnikov, the rules that govern the lives of my peers just don't apply to me. To wit:

(1) It is OK for me as a poor law student in 2005 to search high and low for patent leather Coach ballet slippers and spend a shit load of money to buy them for my girlfriend in some Gift Of The Magi-like display of how hot I think she is. It's not OK for every female Wicker Park hipster clone to wear the same cheap-ass red cotton ballet slippers with their uniform of coin-slot-showing low-rise stretch jeans with the inseams that are exactly one inch too long and their haircuts that actually were done by the only blind, epileptic painting student they go to Columbia with.

(2) It is OK for me as a poor high school student in 1995 to buy women's clothes at The Salvation Army because they fit me better than the men's clothes. It's not OK for 28 year-old male Wicker Park hipsters to wear undersized maroon 3/4-length leather jackets clearly tailored for a female figure while they and their beard wait in line at Sultan's Market with their teenaged art student girlfriends.